The Soundtrack of My Life

Estoy Aqui- Shakira

Oh how I miss the 90's version of Shakira. The dark hair and all. When I first discovered her for myself I lived in Kansas. My apartment was a one of two converted from an attic. It was a cute small place and would have been perfect has my ex not been my room mate. Anyhow, I saw her cd at my work, a place called Venture that was bought out by K-Mart.

Upon hearing the first song "Pies Descalzos"  I was hooked. Granted for that time in my life is was a bit poppy but, I figured it was in Spanish so it was okay. Plus, look at that sullen look on her face, I felt the same way.

I will be honest my Spanish is amateur at best. My parents knew little so I knew none. When I was living with my nana, papa and grandpa I picked up on more.

I left Kansas in 1997 to be with Jimmy in North Carolina and the cd was one of the few 200 or so that made the Greyhound journey with me. I was wary that things would work out at that time. We had not seen each other since about March of 1995. It was nearing on three years and a lot had changed for both of us. I had become much more mellow and less of a drinker. He was much more of a drinker and to be honest a bit more in his shell than ever before.

For me it was hard and still can be hard living with someone who drinks the way he does at times. At other times it's so infrequent it's barely noticeable. Well, anyhow in 1999 we were living in East Texas along side pine trees and racial tension. We rented this old white house on "the bad side" of town. I was pregnant with Dexter and we were married. My two jobs and his one paid the bills fed us and whomever was sleeping at the house.

There was one particular early evening I remember. It was July or August. I was down to one job so I was home more. I had the windows open and was airing the house out.  My belly was growing, I was barefoor and cleaning the house waiting for him to come home. The air was hot and humid and my dress felt like it was sticking to my legs.  Black hair stuck to me neck as it hung below my shoulders. I walked into my room, it faced the street. I sat on bed and looked at my cd's and put this one in. I hit random and looked out of the window. This song came on as Jimmy drove up. I thought to myself as he approached the portch, "there is so much I don't know, so much in there that he hides. He is pushing down the pain. If he only opened up more." I still look at him and think that.

I hope one day I am privileged to know more about his childhood and about being a teen-aged father. What makes him have boughts of depression. Maybe it's because I like knowing about the people I love. Just know if I ever say "I love you", it means I will stand by you, even to a fault.

Much Love,

Button

and in English, a version I also enjoy. A version with much more passion.

"....don't be ashamed to cry, let me see you through, you know i've seen the dark side, too...."

Before the Next Teardrop Falls- Freddie Fender

 
If you never heard of Freddie Fender, you need to do a search. He was one of the best Tejano musicians. Sadly he passed away in 2006. Freddie left behind many great songs as a solo artist as well as part of the bands  The Texas Tornado's and Los Super Seven.

Growing up his voice was a familiar one at my nana and papas house. I think Nana had a crush on him. She would sing a long to his songs. She always loved music. When she got sick then lost her vision she would sit in her wheelchair and sway as much as she could with her half paralyzed body. You could see them emotion in her face like she was seeing a movie in her minds eye.

This song is a storytelling song to me. Some will argue that all songs are, I disagree.

When I close my eyes like my Nana and listen this is what I see....

He is letting his love/lover go. He knows she has found another that she loves. Despite his own unhappiness and heartache he gives her his blessing. I imagine a man in blue jeans and a t-shirt standing on his porch as she walks away with her dress trailing behind her. He calls to her " I'll be there anytime you need me..."

It's so heartbreaking. He is settling for sometimes when he wants forever. This song brings so many emotions and memories from my own life up. Memories of my mom and dad. Memories of my own straying heart. Add to it that he sounds like he is on the verge of shattering into tears at any moment and I am just a puddle of emotions. I am on the floor when he starts in Spanish.

"...It's your happiness that matters most of all...."

Much Love and Emotion,

Button

 

96 Tears- Question Mark & the Mysterians

Maybe some cosmic force draws me to this song, maybe it's because like me "?" is an eccentric Chicano. There are few of us. Maybe it's just the lyrics in general and the sounds of music in general that entrances me.  When I was younger I heard this song a lot, my dad had great taste in music. I inherited his taste for all types of music.

As I grew older and started reading into lyrics and absorbing them this song became my favorite.  My childhood was filled with tears, lots of them hidden. It seemed everyone around me was always laughing and smiling. I had my share of good times but, mostly I hurt inside.

This song has always made me think of someone who had love for another. For some reason there was a connection that did not connect right (she left him). He is waiting for that moment when she is crying the same tears he did, so they can share that moment. He knows it won't be forever but, nonetheless he is waiting for her to cry, urges her to cry.

I know where he is coming from. You have been hurt by someone and want them to hurt too. In reality you know if that person hurts and you are looking upon that hurt, you hart will break for them. In that moment you just want to comfort them become weak and do so. You know all along it's brief and you cry for yourself and for them. It's too much but, you know how the story goes.

"But watch out now i'm gonna get there, we'll be together for just a little while..."

You are an Arc~ Callers

When I first heard this trio I was amazed. I was sitting around surfing the internets for music. I have to say this is an amazing song. I can feel all the emotion and love in her voice. This songs just calls to me...not too sure why. Listen carefully, and be pulled away into it. This is my song for the monent..."only luck would have you here for a moment."

lost cause

 

i don't even know where to start with this one. it's not just this song i can say has been part of my current life but, the whole album.  it reads like a story that i am in. it was as if beck himself was narrating part of my life. like he knew what was going on in my life during a certain time of loss, gain and uncertainty.

today is somewhat different from that time, but, not enrtirely. i am just taking life day by day and seeing where love leads me....even if it leads me to be alone.

Wild World

 

 

during  the summer between my junior and senior year i was exploring the idea of entering the military. my mom was upset and was worried about me going to war. we talked quite a bit about it and she wanted me to go into the air force or navy. to please her i went to visit the air force recruiter in moreno valley. he was a short hispanic guy who immediately told me he did not want women in the military. so on that hot july afternoon, i took myself and my backpack next door to the marine corps. recruiting office. when i walked in i was great my another hispanic recruiter but, this time it was more accepting.

we talked a lot about options i had with my asvab scores. i basically told him what i wanted. in the end i went in open contract and was in transportation. well, the recruiter drove me back to cabazon. he went to meet my mom and spole to her. she kept saying no, absolutly not. no daughter of hers was going in the marines. the recruiter left me with my contract. for early enlistment i needed both parents signatures. she settled and said that if my dad signed she would.

every afternoon, we took my brother to football practice and my dad was his coach. when we got there my dad was already there. i walked excitedly across the grass at the park to my dad. i must have been smiling really big. my dad asked me what was up and i told him. i told him i wanted to go into the marines and my mom would not sign the papers if he didn't. he signed on the spot. he told me it was a good decision and that leaving the area even, for a little while would be great. my mom was crushed. she refused to sign for a couple days. she finaly did and my life changed.

my mom started dental assisting school shortly after. this "ruined" what i had planned for my senior year. i left one day and only came back home shortly before i left to boot-camp. i know i hurt my mom a lot. i know she loved me and only wanted to best but, had a hard time showing it. maybe because of all the things she struggled with in life, and her relationships she wanted to guard me but, she just controlled me. she let me go and she even came out to see me graduate boot-camp.

there are many other disapproving things i did, that she counseled me on. i often ignored her and chose to live my life a certain way. still today we have these kind of disagreements and i still live my life in a certain way....she still grieves over some of that.

"You know I've seen a lot of what the ...world can do And it's breakin' my heart in two Because I never wanna see you sad, girl Don't be a bad girl". When we are coming our own, we forget our parents have lived and know a bit more about the world than we do.....and still see us as their children even, when we have our own.

Mad World (For Maggie)

 

my darling maggie rae, my only girl born of me. she came into this world fast and furious on june 2, 2004. she had the blackest hair and blue eyes. her skin was creamy from the start, she was a the perfect snow white baby. she came into this world so fast, that just was amazed and not really ready to even hold her. she came with no assistance. when i she entering the world i felt i was leaving it. when my labor had progressed the lights in the room were out and we watching a movie on my cousins dvd/tv things. i felt the need to stand up and was feeling a great amount of pressure. i was pushed down onto the bed and looked at a bright light above me to the right. my head turned and the voices faded into oblivion. i felt warm and peaceful, there was no pain. i reached with my soul towards the light, when i heard  in my right ear my name. my name was being called to me in a very stearn voice. i leaned towards the voice while still reaching with my soul to the light. then i heard my name again and i heard fingers snapping loud vibrations in my ears. i made myself turn to the voice and then like a vacuum the light was gone, and the bustle in the room came back. "her hair is so black." "here is your baby, i need to finish another delivery." and she was in my weak arms. i was so confused i offered her off to someone, because i was confused, weak and lost. it had not really set in that she had come.

she has been a girl on this earth for just over six years, and amazes me. she has her issues and her great gifts. she has already suffered periods of what almost crippling depression, laying on the couch and not eating. talking in voices that were not hers and saying things that she would not normally say. thinking of things that do not relate to her or her age, or time and place. she at one point wanted to die and wanted to kill people. she does not recall that now. she has had lots of prayer and counseling. she sometimes feel alone and finds solace in things other six year old girls don't. she sometimes like things that are violent and scary yet, at time she does not. she is an artist finding time to draw whenever she can. she draws sonic, horses. she has recently taken to drawing wolves howling at the moon and werewolves with blood on their lips. she even had a cut on her finger and drew with the blood. she is tortured and has so much to rid herself of when she is of the age of knowing what needs to be done.  she is very much me and her big sister.

she is princess moonfire...

When I Get Where I'm Going (For Grandpa Lara)

 

my grandpa lara lived 88 years on this earth. he was a man of many talents and many stories. he had dark raisin skinned hands, he had hair that did not turn silver til his latter years, he wore glasses and read the paper every morning. to be quite honest i don't have memories of him from my childhood, it was not until i was in junior high i really remember him. he was always full of stories and life.

he was the beloved father of twelve children, one who died in childhood, two who proceeded him in death (in the two years before he passed) . he was married to one anita falcon and she died many years before he did to the hands of diabetes, leaving him with children to still raise. he worked for the railroad weekdays on on the weekends worked on a ranch. he retired from the railroad just to continue his ranch work into his eighties.

he valued family, self-education and hard work. he once told my husband not to work so much, because he regretted missing out on his kids when they were children. in saying that i know he valued the time they had together as adults, but, he missed their childhoods. he was loving and wise.

when he became ill it hit the family hard. he had struggled with cancer off and on, this time was different. he came home with hospice to die in his own room in his house. it took weeks, he lingered on. he had good days and bad days. i was at the house almost daily as people kept vigil. it was surreal seeing so many people come in and out saying their goodbyes. not many people get the oppurtunity to say goodbye to someone they love so much. and here we were, holding his hands and comforting him....and he wanted to comfort us.

when he passed it hit the family hard and shook everything we knew. memories shot back into my head like postcards on a wall.

i remember when i lived with him, my papa and nana. i remember how he told me stories of growing up in oakland. he spoke of being a newsie and his best-friend was a "colored" boy. he told me how they once snuck off from selling papers one day to the beach and bought a baked potato's. they had fun and it was nice not working. then his dad found out and he got into trouble. that is when he learned work was not an option but, and obligation.

he spoke of when he worked for the California Conservation Corps. he was assigned somewhere, i can not recall...and he had some buddies. he said they smoked marijuana and he had nightmares about a witch swinging and trying to get him. he spoke about growing up with a  big family and raising one. he spoke about accepting people how they are. he said people can not help they are born, but it the choices they make you must learn to look away from. he told me about train rides from southern california to oakland. he told me about mass in latin, and priests with wondering hands.

he liked music and good food. once he was older he got up every morning to make potato's and eggs. one weekends he added bacon and fresh homemade salsa. he roasted his own chili's, he liked gardening and eating his harvest. he likes roses and had many bushes, he liked making his own olives and repairing his own vehicles. he liked using his hands and his brain side by side. he was amazing. he was caring and loving. 

his passing left a bug hole in my heart. i had this song played at his funeral, i also read a poem. when i hear this song, i remember his suffering is gone and one day so will mine.

Beautiful Boy (for Joaquin)

 

on august 5, 2002 into my arms and heart came a beautiful boy. he had a round head and round eyes. he came in quietly and is still pretty quiet. he was born while the doctor was singing songs and there were many smiles that filled the room. this was my first mostly natural child birth. i could feel him progress and as he entered this world i felt a ring of fire. i heard the doctor say "stop", and felt a tug. he was quiet and there was a silent panic. my beautiful boy was blue-grey and his lips were purple. they got him to spit up what was in there and lay him upon my chest. he was quiet and breathing with  a gurgling urgency. he nursed for a moment then off he went. as i lay less than ten feet away i tried to see my darling boy.

my mom and jimmy were by his side as he was gived oxygen. he had to have his lunged clenaed out and i was told he turned pink from the center out. i saw a video we once had and he went from what looked 1/2 dead to fully alive. when he was given back to me i knew once again life was going to change. all the anger i had surrounding his pregnancy fell to the floor and shattered like glass.

i knew from the moment i felt his first breathe upon my breast i knew he was different. after, he was home for some time and i noticed his obvious differences, i knew what i was facing. i had a lot of guilt thinking my anger during my pregnancy had made him some how different. in my mind i had poisoned him with bad feelings and god was teaching me a lesson.

i sunk deep into a depression for about a year. life around me did not stop but i did. i honestly think had i not been breastfeeding i would have killed myself. it was not as if i could not handle the difference but, nobody was hearing what i was saying. not doctors, not family and for a time not even jimmy. during the second and third year i began slowly pulling myself out. lots of late nights up with him gave me time to think and read. i knew deep within the chambers of my slowly mending heart he had autism.

my heart was still fraile around the edges because, damn it! i wanted the kid to say "i love you". i longed to hear his yet unknown voices utter those words just once. still at nearly three nobody heard my cries and dismissed my worries. i worked with him on simple signs and read him books. he was three and still not sleeping well at night and the livingroom was our refuge. while he played with blocks and lined up everything through out the room, i watched way too much cbs.

one night jimmy stayed up a bit later tha usual and called me to bed. i grabbed joaquins hand so he could play in our room. his big brown eyes looked up at me and he said "are we going to watch csi?" my heart melted and jimmy looked bewildered. he was three and had just went from not speaking to using full on sentences.

he was about four when he got his diagnosis' of autism, speech delay and sensory processing disorder. he has since been diagnosed with epilepsy and has a digestive issue.

he was five when he said "i love you" to me. joaquin taught me unconditional love and selflessness. he is my beautiful darling boy. he amazes me every day and frustrates me as well. i love you joaquin and the monsters that may come out from under your bed.

Bennie and the Jets

my step-dad was a big elton john fan. this is the song i remember him playing on the stereo the most. he was just turn it up and blast it. i first met my step-dad when i was about five i think. he used to have this charger that looked black at night, during the day there was a purplish hue to it. man, that car was awesome. when my mom and dad split up it seemed like we moved in with him. my memory could be a bit fuzzy, because i remember we had an apartment in cherry valley once and we lived with my nina once.

anyhow, my step-dad used to like to drink, a lot. when we moved to cabazon it seemed to intensify. i always wondered if it was because he got married to mom so he could buy the house, and now he was stuck with two kids that were not his. stress can make you do some crazy stuff. when he would get drunk he would pull out the vinyl he had collected and kept so nicely. he would pull out elton john and blast this song. he would sit there on the area rug and sing so loudly, i am sure the neigbors thought he was crazy. sometimes he would be standing tall in the middle of the living room. he towered over us at six feet four inches, he was a dark german man, with dark curly hair and manly facial hair. he would holler for my brother and i to come out of our room. he would stand there singing loud asking us to join in on the ritual. we were always more than happy to join in. it was festive and fun to us, my mom would be yelling for us to go back in the room. we never knew who to listen to, in the end we would suffer someones wrath.

for some reason the light always seemed more yellow on bennie and the jets night. you could always smell the coors light waifing through the air of our two bedroom house.  sometimes he would get mom into dancing with him and serenade her with this song, we would stand there ans just watch. he would hold her with one arm and a beer in the other hand. crazy times, sometimes it was a quiet evening in the end, sometimes it would end with someone crying and things smashing around the house. always and adventure that we never signed up for.

today, my step-dad is someone from my moms past. they are divorced but, i still consider him family. he is my kids grandpa and my oldest have visited him several times with my sister. i have given him my forgiveness for all the things he put us through and he has accepted it. i think  of him often, he lives alone  and it often brings me sadness. i know he always loved my mom, and i know he always will. i love him like a dad, not that mine was not around, and i know he still loves me.