I have had the pleasure of seeing Third Eye Blind twice. The first time I saw them I was 21 and living in North Carolina. The second time was just recently, 35 and in California.
There are many Third Eye Blind songs I want, need to write about. This is the one calling me today. Some time ago my husband had read the back story for this song. He shared it will me and it made even more sense to me....it belonged to me more.
For most of my teen years and into my early twenties I struggled with my sexuality. Not struggled in the sense that I hated myself for feeling the way I did, just had a hard time letting it out. A few people knew I was bisexual. Nobody knew I was dating various women. During this time I drank a lot. But, this was not my only probably I have always had a hard accepting myself for who I was as a person.
Inside I felt ugly and horrible. I felt like I did not belong, I felt outside of things. Like there was this bubble around the world I was in and I was outside watching what was going on. This was especially true my junior and senior year of high school. I was at a new school and in no way shape or form did I fit in. The world was blue and white there. All the girls had the same dresses and 90210 hair cuts. All the guys had letterman jackets and Zach Morris hair. Okay, okay not quite everyone but, most of them. They seemed to be stuck in this Wednesday night sitcom and I was stuck on Request Video with Henry Rollins.
While my life was music, poetry and politics....life for these kids was something too bizarre to me. I came from a school set that was involved in life outside of their area code. Well, now I sound judgemental and maybe I was with my Doc Martens, plaid skirts and Velvet Underground records. But, I just wanted to be accepted not belong to anything just accepted. I knowing or feeling rather that I was not an acceptable person there, how could I possibly share with anyone that I had feelings for both genders. I wasn't even dating.
Life went on, I graduated and entered one of the most homophobic arena's The United States Marine Corps. I found myself on the loose here. I did feel a sense of belonging here but, not totally accepted. I drank more and slept around a whole lot. Some Sunday's would come and I could barely recognize the face in the mirror. I knew something had to give.
When I was discharged early as a result of a bilateral knee injury, my life fell to pieces. I went home to a life I had tried to escape. I tried several times to come out to friends. Most nights when I woulkd walk in the warm desert moonlight I considered just falling asleep in the weeded feilds, and letting be whatever would be. Looking back, that is really horrible.
I moved out of my moms and shared an apartment with a few guys I had graduated with. Life went on I struggled more. Found myself missing some old people from the Marines, also found myself feeling I was falling for some in my present. But, did not want the rejection I felt I would get with outing myself. There seemed to be not one person I could tell. So alone I spent most night in my thrift shop furnished loft room. Pushing people out wishing they'd push in.
It wasn't until years later that I came to terms with who I am. Now, I am one mostly happy girl. I say mostly because I have my days when it seems I can't do a darn thing right.
I am glad I stepped back from the ledge and that I have people in my life now who know me and love me just the crazy way I am. Thank you