The Soundtrack of My Life

Bennie and the Jets

my step-dad was a big elton john fan. this is the song i remember him playing on the stereo the most. he was just turn it up and blast it. i first met my step-dad when i was about five i think. he used to have this charger that looked black at night, during the day there was a purplish hue to it. man, that car was awesome. when my mom and dad split up it seemed like we moved in with him. my memory could be a bit fuzzy, because i remember we had an apartment in cherry valley once and we lived with my nina once.

anyhow, my step-dad used to like to drink, a lot. when we moved to cabazon it seemed to intensify. i always wondered if it was because he got married to mom so he could buy the house, and now he was stuck with two kids that were not his. stress can make you do some crazy stuff. when he would get drunk he would pull out the vinyl he had collected and kept so nicely. he would pull out elton john and blast this song. he would sit there on the area rug and sing so loudly, i am sure the neigbors thought he was crazy. sometimes he would be standing tall in the middle of the living room. he towered over us at six feet four inches, he was a dark german man, with dark curly hair and manly facial hair. he would holler for my brother and i to come out of our room. he would stand there singing loud asking us to join in on the ritual. we were always more than happy to join in. it was festive and fun to us, my mom would be yelling for us to go back in the room. we never knew who to listen to, in the end we would suffer someones wrath.

for some reason the light always seemed more yellow on bennie and the jets night. you could always smell the coors light waifing through the air of our two bedroom house.  sometimes he would get mom into dancing with him and serenade her with this song, we would stand there ans just watch. he would hold her with one arm and a beer in the other hand. crazy times, sometimes it was a quiet evening in the end, sometimes it would end with someone crying and things smashing around the house. always and adventure that we never signed up for.

today, my step-dad is someone from my moms past. they are divorced but, i still consider him family. he is my kids grandpa and my oldest have visited him several times with my sister. i have given him my forgiveness for all the things he put us through and he has accepted it. i think  of him often, he lives alone  and it often brings me sadness. i know he always loved my mom, and i know he always will. i love him like a dad, not that mine was not around, and i know he still loves me.

 

Hey Baby Que Paso?

this song brings back so many memories. my nana (actually my moms oldest sister by at least 12 years) used to play it all the time and dance. oh how i remember her in her floral dresses, hair up and a beautiful flower in her hair. she had creamy skin and black hair. she always had her face made up and her lips painted red. i don't think i ever once saw her in pants of shorts, ever 9until she became sick). she always had nice heels on, when she got sick she wore flat dress shoes until she became paralyzed. she was the most well dressed woman i knew for so long.

i remember hows she used to dace in her living room, she was all over her spanish tile. her and papa would just glide and make it all look so easy. her dresses always followed behind her so gracefully. her head always turned to one side during fast songs. during slow songs she wold close her eyes and lean in closer to papa, who always held her just right as they swayed and moved around a room. sometimes papa would still be in his work clothes and she would grab him as he walked into the house full of good music and the aromas of good food flowing.

when nana had a stroke and became paralyzed she would still have the music playing at times. i remember when i lived with her and cared for her, she would have me wheel her out of her room. she would be in a nice pant suit, hair done, face done and have me put on this song, or another from the band. she would close her eyes and sing along. she did the same thing when she became blind from years battling diabetes. she would have a smile and i am sure she was remembering the days of her and papa dancing around that big living room, heels clicking on the spanish tile.

i miss my nana and my papa. they made a big impact on many lives, and always had their door open to everyone.

so nana and papa this one is for you. i know you two are dancing in heaven, on some beautiful spanish tile....

Razor

i heard this song for the first time in a long time yesterday evening. this song takes me back to a time and place i am glad i have left, but sometimes a place i would like to revisit. when i was younger i was molested by a family member. when that ended i was confused and happy at the same time, i had realized that it was not a normal thing but, it was also like i had lost what i thought was love. around the same age i was able to start shaving and had my own razors. the pain and confusion inside of me was a raging war. depression set in about so many things in  my junior life seemed to be in turmoil. mom and b were always fighting. dad was still battling his love and addiction for heroin.

every time i turned around it was something. i often felt like things were my fault. fights over things not being cleaned right, my attitude was crappy or i was expecting too much. in an effort to to leave my depression behind i tried to throw myself into activities, spelling bees, essay contests, science fairs and drama. but, these things seemed to elevate the stress level at home because, it meant we would have to leave the box our home had become. we would have to show faces in public, faces that might show sadness or pain. there were so many kinds of addiction and abuse in our home, we all suffered.

towards the middle of my first year in junior high i started cutting. at first it was to see how far i could go, how deep i could cut. could i handle the pain? could i sit and watch the blood from my body flow out out and mix with water down the drain and let it be? when i first started cutting it was scary and i was nervous but, with the ending of the initial pain came a sweet release. the pain in my life was let go for a moment by the physical release.

i continued cutting into my late teens and stopped just before i turned twenty-one, then i began again for a short while after the birth of my second child. this is not something i am proud of but, it is part of my life. part of what makes me me. at times i feel the call again but, refuse it like an old lover. as sweet and divine as the lovemaking was, it is like poison to my soul and scarring to my body....

In Your Eyes

 

such a beautiful song. this song has always reminded me of the first time my husband and i made love. it was a cold and wet november. we were just friends then. we had went off base for the weekend as most marines did during schooling. we hung out at the mall for quite some time, bookstore, music store and the best shoe store i had ever seen at that time. at this point we had known each other maybe a week. we had become fast friends. there was a connection and it was undeniable.

we had spent countless nights walking in the damp north carolina autumn nights talking. we talked about his wife (yes he was married), his daughter and his family. we talked about his childhood friends and his best friend who he had spent a lot of time with in his early teens. we talked about my family and writing. we talked about why we each joined the marines, we both had different reasons. his reason was to support his family and had hoped it would give them a better life,  he missed his daughter very much. i joined to escaped a small minded community and the life that would have came along with it. i wanted to see the world...i saw the country instead.

well we decided it would be nice to hang out overnight with one another , stay up talking and drinking coffee or tea. we wanted to listen to music and write a bit as well. so we checked in to the travelodge. the clerk asked if we wanted one or two beds. i said it did not matter, he was paying. so we got one bed, it was cheaper and young marines are not rich by any means.

we settled into the room, it was cold so we put the heat on low. we turned put on some coffee and some music. we settled in and started talking about all the usual things. we talked about how he had met his wife from and ex-girlfriend of his. we talked about my sort or boyfriend at home, who i had decided to just be friends with. we talked about my best friend who had given me a ring to remember him (which was "lost" when i moved in with someone). we talked about hopes and dreams. i shared some writing with him from my backpack. we talked and we talked and we talked. at some point we were tired. i went and changed into something to sleep in, shorts and a t-shirt. he slept in his boxers and a t-shirt.

we fell asleep watching "the day the earth stood still". i woke up and we were making love. i can honestly say we were making love and not having sex. it was remarkable...it was unexpected and i am forever thankful i shared that moment with him. life has never been the same since.

Arms Wide Open

so it was 1999 when i heard this song. it did not really listen to the words at first. it was not until it was closer to the due date. i was pregnant with my first son. my husband and i were excited about his arrival. this was one of many big changes in my life. it was fall and it was wet and cool.  as excited as i was i began to worry. would this child suffer all the things i have? will i be able to love him fully? will i be the momma he needs or will i be the mother he has?

i just wanted to hold him and see him. i wanted to know him and love him. when he was born that cold november day just before thanksgiving, my life changed. i greeted him with open arms and vowed i would become a better person. i would leave things behind that were poison for me. he changed my life for the better. my son, my oldest, my little charmer. i want to give him everything in life...everything that makes his life good and happy. i hope i still am the momma that does just that.

when we hear this song, he knows it's his. however, he thinks it's from jimmy. it makes me a bit sad inside, but i will just let it be. i love you d.a.r. sherman

 

Stealing Butterflies

 

i just hear this song for the first time today. a friend of mine posted it on her facebook. it shook me, as i had decided today was the day i am going to paint something called "rape of me v. 1.o". 

when i graduated from high school on june 16, 1994 i was a virgin and very proud of it. of course i had made sure i had not much physical contact with boys so i would not end up pregnant. i had plans and had already signed a contract with the marine corps. and did not need some boy messing that up. i was cold, i was me.

on june 26,1994  there was a party going on i was not at. the end of my senior year i couched surfed and shared an apartment for a bit. the one friends house i was staying at, she had left with another friend to a party. i was there waiting for her mom to get home so her sister would not be alone. they lived up in the higher parts of cherry valley and not too much around them. some quiet neighbors is all.

well her mom got home and i took my shower. i put on my favorite white shirt, jeans sorts, white socks and my white vans. it had already been hot and i was pretty tan at this point. i had a good feeling about myself and knew shortly after this month i would be on a plane to south carolina to bootcamp. so i planned on a fun summer of sun, friends and family.

that evening as i got ready  my friend called and said another friend of hers would come get me. i was completely fine with that since we had been around each other before. he seemed nice enough, and i figured if he was to weird, she would not have asked him. i mean the guy drove her and her little sister around before. so he came and i got into his little green car with him. we drove off into the starlit warm summer night. on our way to a party i was not prepared for. he drove far from where we were supposed to go and into a darker area. we drove down to an area i was familiar with because i had grown up there. i mentioned my dad lived near and he went to another part of town and i asked him was he picking someone up and he was quiet. there was music on, last song i remember was something by the red hot chili peppers. i was looking out of the passenger window into a big empty that field, one i now pass often to go see my doctor....not so empty anymore.

he pulled over and tried to kiss me. i refused his advances and told him i just wanted to leave. he undid his seat belt and leaned him closer and tried again. so i turned my cheek and laughed. not laughing at him but, a nervous laugh. he may have taken in badly, i am sure he did. he grabbed my face and shoved his tongue down my throat and pushed my head against the window. he kissed me harder and my hear began to pound. i just wanted to scream but, for whom? it was about 11 at night and nobody near, not even a house close enough to see a light. perhaps the bodies buried at the nearby cemetery would have heard me and saved me.

as he laid his body on mine he reached behind me and rolled down the window. i thought maybe i could wiggle my way out and fall onto my head. he was pretty strong and held me down my my neck as he undid his pants and slipped my shorts off. he started rubbing his penis against me and i could feel it hard and dripping against my underwear. i stared to tell him no and cry, he didn't say much just moaned and kissed on my neck as i turned by head away.  he continued and in my head i wondered why i was not able to fight him off and was this all really happening, it was like a narration of a movie, a horrible movie that i was part of.

he leaned in and his shoulder was near my face to i bit him and he punched me in the face. i felt a bit starry eyes and my head hurt. i kept crying no, please not. he may have liked it, i have no clue. he finally ripped my underwear off and went in hard. i was still a virgin and it hurt so bad. he pulled my hair and was moaning as he attended to his business. at one point my head was out of the window balanced on the rubber lining. it was not how i imagined my first time would be, i had never really thought much about it. so i looked up into the blue sky and looked at the stars praying for it to be over. he kept groping my breasts hard and when he finished he finished on my stomach. he three my shorts at me, i never saw my underwear again. he left me in standing in the field. i got my shorts on and lay there in the grass for i have no idea how long. i lay there are cried into the moonlight starry night. after awhile i got up and walked to the circle k and called a friend. told her i fell off my bike and she came and got me. i cleaned up myself and she gave me some clothes. i wonder if she ever believed me as she held me crying for most of the evening into early the next morning.

i delayed my entry into the marines so i could be somewhat normal and healed. a short time before i went to bootcamp he came and asked me on a date. i wonder if he ever realized what he had done. i don't know if i want to know. all i know is he stole something that was mine and not his. but, i have learned to forgive and not forget.

 

 

Stairway to Heaven

 

i always thought it was funny that i graduated from high school on 1994 and this was our senior prom song. i had always liked led zeppelin but, think the choice may have been influenced by the likability of the movie "dazed and confused". stoner kids trying to get back into music from the seventies while getting high at the oak tree maybe. i know i heard it a few times up there.

when senior prom was approaching i feared not having a date like at my junior prom. i was talking to a boy in banning who was a couple years younger, so he was my date. looking back that was not the wiset choice as, he thought that meant i could not talk or dance with anyone else. i think maybe the age difference made him a little uneasy.

i danced with several boys through out the night including my cousin/godbrother. it was so fun when i was able to dance. my friend and her date that we drove up there with were so fun. i remain friends with her today (she was my grad night date).

when stairway come on, i did not want my last memory of prom to be with the goofy mop haired tall guy from banning who was jealous. i kind of hid and found a friend. a friend whom i had not spent entirely too much time with but, who was always so sweet. so we danced my last dance as a short insecure high school girl. it seemed to last forever. i remember looking around and seeing all these couples dancing slowly and closely. it was amazing and even though my and my friend were not a couple, it felt like the place to be. when it was over we parted ways. i took my prom photos with the boy from banning and he complained he did not share that song with me. i told him he had two more proms to attend and to share last dances with that would be meaningful. i sent him on his way home.

fast forward to today, i am friends with my friend again. he holds a place in my heart and a great memory.

******************************************************************

this song also reminds me of my aunt who passed away a few years ago. she was an amazing person to me. she lost both her legs to diabetes and her daughter said when she died, "she is climbing the stairway to heaven." because she was able to walk in death the way she was not able to walk at the end of her life. last week my oldest son played this song for my cousin and she sat there, blind with visions of her mom in her head. because god took her sight and not her memories.

it is amazing how just one line from a song can envoke so much emotion.

 

 

p.s. i know it's buying the stairway to heaven

Oyo Como Va

 

December 10, 1997

i was living in a two room trailer with this boy and his friend. it was a cold and wet winter and december had never been so good. the boy and i were hanging out listening to cd's as we usually did. we were too poor for a television, but were madly in love. we lived in meager means and music. i put in one of my santana cd's and was telling the boy about my grandma. how she would put on music and dance. how she was always trying to teach me to dance sexy. i always found that amusing....i never really felt sexy or the need to be such.

i was wearing a brown and white dress that went to my ankles. they lights were bright in the livingroom and kitchen. he was wearing jeans and a blue sweater. as i was talking and swaying like a silly girl, he walked over to where i was. he got on one knee and asked me to marry him. i said yes. how could i not? he stood up and we embraced. i had tears in my eye. we danced a bit and he called my dad for the ok, my dads reply was "groovy". yes my dad is cooler than yours.

the boy apologized for not having a ring, i never minded. love is more than golden symbols and new clothes...always has been, always will be.

 

our house

this song came out about the the time my mom and dad were getting divorced. it was all over the radio.  i used to think of the house we lived in on olive on fire. that it would no longer exist when i went to visit my dad. i can honestly say i don't recall visiting him there after my mom left him. i just remember living with my dad one day and living at this new persons house the next. no warning. granted to knew at the time both my parents were having affairs. but, i never saw it coming.

i missed my dad so much. i was so afraid i would never see him again. thankfully i did. my dad and i don't speak too often yet, we are very close. i love him.

Today

 

this song brings back memories of the end of my senior year. i graduated on june 16,1994. i was 18 and ready for the world. at our graduation they played a series of songs that were popular. this is the only song i remember hearing. i remember this is the greatest day i have ever known. i am not bound by the will of my parents and i am free to grow up and live my life. prior to my senior year i had enlisted in the marines, so i knew i had somewhere to go and something to be. but, until then i wanted to live for the day.

i did live for the day. i made my time as a young single high graduate work for me. i spent a lot of time with my friends. i suffered heartbreak during that summer in the form of a rape. i wanted so badly to get past that and be somebodies someone. that made me try and be what boys wanted me to be. and well, it got me nowhere i wanted to be.

either way, this song brings me more good memories than i bad. i remember walking across that stage confidant and smiling. i knew it would be the last time i saw most of those people.  there i was short and tan in my white graduation robe.i  turned my tassel to a well planned out and unknown future. i walked in what seemed like slow motion into the night....