Oh, What A Spectacle!

The "B" word...no not that "B" word

 


I am in the beginnings of going back to an old style. One that is very dear to me, and challenges me not to be lazy in my way of dressing.  I spent 30 minutes on my hair this morning and rarely spend that much time getting ready for my normal everyday life.

Growing up I was not (or at least I thought) the pretty girl and never was the  "B" word (beautiful) girl. I still don't consider myself to be that way. When people compliment me on my looks I usually think they have had some eye surgery and have been left with blurry vision.  Perhaps they have beer goggles on and are mistaking me for someone else who has a more narrow nose, straight teeth and a nice body. Even when my husband and closet friend say something I get an uneasy feeling. I get uncomfortable, say something about how ugly I really am and perhaps it's the angle and the PBR in their hand.

In the past year or so some of my old high school guy friends have said they always thought I was the "b" word. WHAT? I often turn to the female version of Charlie Brown and think "I wish I had known so I would not have had a lifetime of self-doubt". But, that is not what was in the cards for me. So maybe now I can finally appreciate what I have to offer. I know my nose is wide, my teeth are crooked, my face has moles and my body has proof is has made five amazing children (plus an additional six who have gone on).

After a talk with a dear friend, I can say "Thank You"

Here are some screen shots from my iPhone....proof to me that people see things, I still can not. Also, proof to my mom that even though she did not think I was beautiful other people do.

 



 
Peace and Big Hips.

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To a 16 Year Old, Me

Dear Girl with the Glasses and Plaid Skirts,

First of all....you are not fat and people do like you. Trust me, you find this out later in life. Just be happy and know even if they really didn't like you, God does.

Stay a vegetarian, you put on the weight when you eat that meat. Not that it makes you ugly.

Oh, and about those plaid skirts....they are kind of short. Kind of like the way bacon in excess is fattening.

Don't give up glasses for contacts, trust me you'll hate them. Just stop thinking about them.

Just because something horrible happens to you, TWICE is no reason to be so easy. Not all boys are going to treat you like that. And no real man will.

Don't be sad when your dreams don't come to be they way you want them to. Just tried and really that is all that matters.  Carry on and keep on truckin'.

Keep writing, even if you think it stinks, just do it. Be real with it and honest.

Smile you never know when it's gonna change someones day.

Try new things, learn things, don't be afraid to fail....and try again.

Sometimes you will make mistakes, BIG ones! Don't be so hard on yourself. People will still love you....YES LOVE YOU! Love you like the way you have always wanted to be love.

Know that you lose friends along the way. Yes, it will hurt and there will be tears. But, these things happen.

Oh and you will have kids. Sorry, you will and lots of them. You wouldn't have it any other way.

BE YOURSELF! Don't second guess yourself and your choices. Against the grain! Trust God!

Love,

The lady with glasses, long skirts and tattoos

P.S. You will get boobs without having to buy them.

 

inspired by Bohemian Bowmans post

 

 

Thinking of 35

 

I turned 35 on May 2nd. I had been sick the previous week with some crazy flu and then when I started th feel better my period made an appearance.  Since I turned 27, I have not really felt any older and even tweeted about it.  Yesterday as I was out in my backyard/garden I snapped some pictures of myself.

On my forehead are tiny lines(wrinkles), they stretch just through the middle. Part of the aging process, beautiful and natural. My nose is wide and on the top is a scar from fourth grade chicken pox. On my left eyebrow there is a scar from playing and running from my German Shepard in a rocking backyard. I have moles and freckles here and there. They are all apart of what makes me, ME.

I brushed my dreads out last week because nothing was really happening with them and having had some high fevers it all felt greasy.  My hair is still black as can be, still no signs of silver. My grandfather was into his 70's before he had any silver, mom dyes hers out. Sometimes I imagine when it does come in it'll be a cool streak like Mrs. Munster.

See, unlike many woman I know I embrace aging, granted I am on 35 right now. I look forward to the days when my kids kids are on my lap. I look forward to when my husband can retire and we can just do things without work on Monday. I look forward to seeing my children living their passions. I am glad to be 35 moving towards 36.

Love and Aging,

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About Me (30 DBC)

1. I am short.
2. I am fluffy.
3. I like burritos with rice in them.
4. I like to dancing but, never go dancing.
5. I want to sleep in my garden when the corn gets tall.
6. My heart is bigger than my head.
7. I dream in color.
8. I like my hula hoop.
9. I neglect my ukulele.
10. I neglect my dulcimer.
11. I have been married 12 years.
12. I had five kids in nine years.
13. I can be random.
14. My milkshake infact only brings babies to the yard (i have been breastfeeding since Aug. 5. 2002)
15. I am difficult.

 

30 Day Blog Challenge

Just some thoughts....okay rambling

There are times when I second guess my chosen "occupation" of stay at home wife/mom/unschooler/homemaker/breeder. But, it is not very often. Usually, it's when someone isnults my intelligence or tries to correct my parenting or wife skills. I have no degree for a college or university, I am short, fat, a minority and come from uneducated parents. Admittedly I can be found around 3om watching Real Housewives of...(wherever they are). I will text or chat and use LOL  way too much.  Instead of working outside the home I have chosen not to, I have chosen this role to enrich my kids lives and because I am a bit paranoid. Day care sucked for my oldest as he was always sick. However, despite my lack of job or degree I am in no way stupid.

I am a very well read person, or so I think. Since I was very young I have read almost everything and anything these brown hands could grab. By ten I was reading Kerouac and Burroughs. When I was entering junior high I had read all of the works of Shakespeare. Yes, I had also read all the fun stuff  by Beverly Cleary and Laura Ingalls Wilder. It's in me to absorb everything and make my own opinions on things.

Honestly, sometimes I think too much of whatever think of my intelligence. For some reason it something fretful for me. When I was in seventh grade I tried to fail because my same aged cousin would get mad at me. "Stop being so smart! I am tired of being compared to you!" "Nerd!" "Geek!" "Four eyes!" which came with the mandatory spit infused fingerprints in my lenses. The best and most hurtful of all was "You know, 'Nita boys don't like girls who are smarter than them." In the gut and hear at the same time. Something in me lead me to believe them, I had never had a boyfriend and they were practically engaged at 13. Or so it seemed.

So for years I yo-yo'd with my ability to be both smart and worth of a boy or man. I say boy because I am sorry a sixteen year old is not yet a man. Whenever I would meet someone who seemed to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation with me they'd end up with some girl who bathed in lip gloss and read Cosmo as if were the truth the way and the light to life. Or sometimes they would end up with a friend of mine who was inclined to shake her ass  from underneath her skirt. That just wasn't me. 

For sometime in my late teens and early twenties I thought maybe those words were correct. Never was I able to have an intelligent relationship. So I really did dumb myself down and became a person I still am not able to reconcile. The old me would still come out from time to time, caught reading a book or writing some poetry made me "intriguing" or "different". But, off to the next girl... Honestly during this time there was maybe a couple of guys who were willing to deal with my brain and eccentricities but, I just could not believe them. I gave up hope. Forget the fact that any women I dated at the time were....possessive NO THANKS!

Some morning I feel like I need a good slap in the face and remember that I am married. I do have some great friends, some wonderful children and am intelligent. This is all okay and I just need to forget what the world thinks of it all.  I read sociology books for fun, NPR is on my iPhone and I bake bread. Why do not just I but, women and people in general feel they need to fit perectly into categories?

Like I said lot's of rambling.

 

Love and The smell of a new book.

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A Day In Pictures (not today)

dishes

family table

cleaning cabinets

I can see my living room when I prep or make bread.

Maggie put socks on Stan Lee.

Hez sleeping on momma

watching Ellen

much love,

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Meet Veruca

This is Veruca. She is my middle toe and my left foot. She is a loverly shade of purple-blue on her underside. Yesterday a White Sewing Machine attacked th whole foot and she suffered the wrath of heavy metal. I let out a nice "Shit!" when it happened. Then went on limping around trying to finish cleaning my house. I had to sit down and ice my foot.

That is when it was noticed I had a blue toe. I named her Veruca. She is mean and nasty and demanding. "STAY OFF ME!" Oh Veruca, don't you know I have a husband, five kids and two dogs to tend to? Don't you know that I need to clean, cook and lose some of this winter weight? Oh Veruca, please please go away.

Veruca has a contusion, stone bruise or whatever you want to call it. She needs to be elevated and iced. Spoiled brat!

Well, for now that is all on her. She does not need so much attention.

Love and Falling Sewing Machines,

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reaching and holding at arms distance

i am going through quite a bit right now. going through a lot medically, mentally , emotionally and even in relationship. this would normally be time i would reach out to a lot of different people. but, i don't think i can. i have a few select people who i can, and will reach out to. i don't need to feel judged, or feel sympathized for. i don't know fully why i am being so cynical.

i just think i am not ready to share my story with the world, maybe one day i will have someone dictate a book for me. or maybe not. i am considering locking this blog, but that would defeat the purpose of openness.

i really have to say with everything that is going on, i am maintaing great realtionship-friendships with the two most important people in my life. they are there for me when i know nobody else would understand, and another great friend, whom, i have been able to open up to recently...she is amazing as well.

hat in the end, everything can be blamed on allergies.

peace and blessings,

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just sayin'

i have been closed off to some people. i think i have that right. i don't need friends who come and go from my life because they can't handle my friendship just to come back and expect to pick up where we left off. life is just not like that for me anymore.

i have three people i can go to.

end transmission

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uggg

i want to post but, i don't. there is too much on my mind right. i wonder if that is part of my uncertainty. i will have to wait it out and see. jimmy has two weeks off of work for depression and high blood pressure. i see the doctor tomorrow about my breast issue.

i don't know if i can think clearly and really would like to go to sleep. i took a long nap today. my mind wanders off. i remembering things that seem of no real value. some of the things on my mind:

at beaumont high school i always sat by the door, or near it.

at banning high school i always sat in the middle of class.

i wore a lot of plaid in high school

i like boys who wear plaid shirts and have glasses (thinking some of this is related to a teacher i had  crush on)

i have flat feet and why is that bad

how come i never have told my doctor i get occasional numbness through out my body

i am off balance a lot and don't know why

i wish that i could travel more

will joaquin ever have a good digestive track

do my kids really love me

do my parents care about me

what if this is cancer and it's bad

have i tied all my loose ends

do i have any real friends beyond jimmy and jeremy

am i the reason maggie is moody

am i a good wife, lover, friend. mom....

have i made any good impact on anyone, should i even care

in my writing in vain

will i ever see my grandson

why do things happen this way

am i too hard

am i too soft

does god love me

why did god take my grandparents

do i smell

what is the reason for this all

.....

 

those are just a few things.