Oh, What A Spectacle!

Of Ex's and Hoe's

It has come to light that the husbands ex-wife has been living in an alternate universe. For many years she has told her daughter I was the sole reason for her and his divorce. Being that I am a woman who likes to live in honesty I will admit, when we met he was married. He had a child with his wife, who was still in high school back in Texas. He told me they were estranged due to her infidelities and dishonesty. We were friends from when we met in November 1994 until I left North Carolina in April 1995. In September of that year I began writing him. He was such a good friend that I did not really want to lose contact. He wrote me back and talked a lot of his daughter. He mentioned his wife and how she did not want to move to North Carolina and was still having a relationship with a woman. They had finally decided to divorce.

We wrote and talked on the phone. For Christmas leave he wanted to come visit me. I encouraged him to go see his daughter and family. That is what he did, and ended up probably fathering another child with his wife. She for years has denied the child is his. He tried working it out with her yet, again. We still wrote and I was in a relationship with another person. This was 1996. I moved to Kansas with that person and the letter writing continued. He had become my best friend and someone I could tell anything to. I will be honest I had feelings for him beyond a friendship for years, held them at bay because he was married.

The Kansas persona and I broke up. We still remained room-mates. Much to my dismay and weakness for not wanting anyone homeless. Jimmy and I started a long distance relationship which consisted of phone calls and lots of letters. In October of 1997 I made the bus ride from Wichita, Kansas to Jacksonville, North Carolina. I went not knowing if I was visiting or moving. It had been about two and half years since I saw him. We had both changed in appearance and more. Yet, it was still like we were those teenagers who talked on long walks and hung out at the music store.

I never moved back to Kansas.

During the time I was living the very sinful life, living with a still married man.....he proposed. His divorce papers came and I lost a baby. He told his parents about me and his ex-wife. They were still in Texas. When he was discharged from the Marines I went to Texas with him. He started to finalize his divorce (the state requires a class that has to be taken in Texas). We spent a lot of if time with his daughter and even his ex at times.

I often gave him the option of leaving me and making a life with them. He refused as she had moved on and was living with her partner. Before we married I told him that any kind of function we did for his daughter would include them, if they chose to come. No badmouthing her mom in front of her, ever! As far as I know, he was able to stick by these things.

Our oldest son was born. My grandpa was sick back in California. Jimmy's mom was mentally unstable and things seemed to be calling us out west. I left first with our oldest he followed suite two weeks later. We had his daaughter a few summers at first then, as the years went on the visits were less frequent. Sometimes we had no money, sometimes she did not want to come. He wanted her to live with us, she said she wanted to and was scared her mom would be mad. She chose to stay with her mom. Her calls became infrequent and emails stopped coming. She did not return any we made for many many months at time.

When she was upset at her mom, or hurt she would call. This became a pattern, and still is.

Over the weekend I was working on an article for this blog about the relationship between a step-mom and a step-daughter....it got a bit emotional. My heart ached and before it was finished other things happened. A little share of Facebook my husband made, from a conversation with our oldest son turned ugly. His ex joked, I made a joke and she lashed out. His daughter lashed out, a friend tried to stomp out the embers but, it was too late.

As I had predicted years earlier, lies had been told....and I was painted as a husband stilling hoe. Him as a filandering player with no regard. Well, I will admit in my younger days I was kind of a hoe...however that has nothing do with my marriage. He is hardly a player but, often gets attention he does not want.

Now his ex and his daughter have decided not to speak to him. Lovely...and all he wanted was to be in his daughters life, be friendly with his ex and enjoy life.

Maybe one day both sides will come to light and form the truth

Until then

Ex's and Hoe's

XOXOXOXO

Button

First Love...or something like that

Day 3: Your first love

Okay, so I was 18 and full of life. I thought I was in love with him. Looking back, I think it was pure lust. Okay, I know it was. He was older by four years, had dark hair and pale skin. His moon tan made me swoon. He wore skinny jeans before they were cool and Doc Martens that went almost to his knees. It could be 115* outside and he was still in black from head to toe. Not that we ever did much with the sun out. He played guitar and sang me songs, some that were about me. We had tons of fun the couple of months we had together. Lots of fun.

We would take moonlit walks and talk about crazy stuff. He would howl at full moons and kick rocks. I thought he was so bad ass. My mom thought he was weird. my brother thought he was crazy and they were both right. He lived with his mom, she was awesome and real. The closer the time it came for me to leave for boot camp the more erratic his behavior became. The awesomeness of his moods and brooding because stressful. He depression and "deep thoughts"  not so endearing when I was the reason he wanted to die. Or as he said "lack of contact would just put him beyond the point of wanting to live."

I sometimes remember him when I smell burning sage or hear a Tangerine Dream song. He was so goth and I was so taken a back.

As fun as it was glad it is over.

more rambling and bad grammar

some days i just had a bad hour or two. some days they are horrific. seriously, not sure why i have allowed my emotions to be so out there in my almost middle age.

i have had a lot of self doubt today. for some reason i feel like i just fail! fail as a wife, mother, daughter, friend and all around human being. my husband comes home a knit picks what is wrong or undone. my family criticizes my parenting and housekeeping. friends stay at arms distance. maybe i carry the loverly ordor or supreme failure. maybe the lack of degree on my crayon colored walls or the fact i don't conform to the wal-mart standards of society does it. my 2.5 kids has turned into five and they are unschooled, unsocialized and can be unruly. mostly, they are just like any other unbrainwashed kids.

i know i have chosen this life. the life of kids all day and all  night. the life of a domestic hippie and wife. but, you know i feel somehow punished for it, that seems unfair. my heart is so full of love that when it breaks...it shatters. i fall to pieces, and it comes it big waves. tears, words and emotions take me into the abyss and back above water rapidly. it can be hard for jimmy hearing my shakey tearful voice on the phone.  sometimes i feel like holding back the details of my thoughts with him because of his health. can you imagine if my lack of self esteem was his demise. one way or another he finds out how it all is in my head. but, we are very different souls tangled in love.

i am very blessed i have a friend i can turn to who has similar emotions and thoughts. helps make things clear and even has helped me see jimmys side on things. gotta say between the two i am still breathing and loving my world. bi-polar much? maybe, maybe not.

some days i think my kids hate me despite what i do for them. it's like nothing is good enough. just like with my husband and numerous relatives. wish i could snatch them up and live in a rv of sorts for a year. on the road traveling, learning, loving and living life.   being away from all that consumes and frustrates me. connecting again and remembering why i chose to make a family with kids who can misbehave and speak their minds. kids who go barefoot and eat food from the earth that we planted. kids who sing, dance, paint draw and make music. kids who read and write. kids who get dirty and say what they man and mean what they say. kids who wear tye dye with camo and fedoras with vans. kids who pick their noses and pull each other hair. kids who eat frozen grapes and carrots. kids who lay across me and ask me about the day they were born.

i also have chosen to stay married to someone with an on again off again drinking problem. someone who i am sure has some mental issues as it runs in his family. someone unsatisfied with life and who still carried the wrongs of his exes. someone who looks at me and sees all the things he dislikes in his own mother. someone who questions the things that matter to me the most. i have chosen this because i know he loves me still despite my eccentricities and all that consumes me. he protects me from those who come to harm me emotionally. sounds weird i know, sounds somehow abusive i know. but, it's not. and i am no angel. i can be physical when emotional. somehow hoping he'd leave and live a life that satisfies him. maybe have new wife, new kids with disney channel wardrobes. a house that looks likes his neighbors and chance for american normalcy. because, i want none of those things. he assures me, that is not what he needs....but, is it what he wants.

my life is colorful and fragile at times. i always kind of knew it would be this way. but, i never knew it would involve a family. just thought it would be me in a one room apartment with cats and maybe some fish. in my own thoughts laying upon a cold bed with books and music to feel my emptiness. riding a bike to get from here to there and living on nothing. taking warm showers to make me feel loved living in a place where i knew nobody.

it's funny because i can still feel empty, i can still feel my bed is cold but, i know i am loved. i leave near people i know. but, i am still at a distance from them. be it me or them...it's still there. then the sun will come out and life is wonderful. i have friends and family. i am smiling and in my head i think "how soon will this end?". life is a rainbow of emotions for me. my only hope is that my kids don't suffer the same way. that they can learn to love and accept love early on. that they can be happy in life with a little or a lot. that they can break the mold and not fall into mundane patterns of existing and not living....

button

Just some thoughts....okay rambling

There are times when I second guess my chosen "occupation" of stay at home wife/mom/unschooler/homemaker/breeder. But, it is not very often. Usually, it's when someone isnults my intelligence or tries to correct my parenting or wife skills. I have no degree for a college or university, I am short, fat, a minority and come from uneducated parents. Admittedly I can be found around 3om watching Real Housewives of...(wherever they are). I will text or chat and use LOL  way too much.  Instead of working outside the home I have chosen not to, I have chosen this role to enrich my kids lives and because I am a bit paranoid. Day care sucked for my oldest as he was always sick. However, despite my lack of job or degree I am in no way stupid.

I am a very well read person, or so I think. Since I was very young I have read almost everything and anything these brown hands could grab. By ten I was reading Kerouac and Burroughs. When I was entering junior high I had read all of the works of Shakespeare. Yes, I had also read all the fun stuff  by Beverly Cleary and Laura Ingalls Wilder. It's in me to absorb everything and make my own opinions on things.

Honestly, sometimes I think too much of whatever think of my intelligence. For some reason it something fretful for me. When I was in seventh grade I tried to fail because my same aged cousin would get mad at me. "Stop being so smart! I am tired of being compared to you!" "Nerd!" "Geek!" "Four eyes!" which came with the mandatory spit infused fingerprints in my lenses. The best and most hurtful of all was "You know, 'Nita boys don't like girls who are smarter than them." In the gut and hear at the same time. Something in me lead me to believe them, I had never had a boyfriend and they were practically engaged at 13. Or so it seemed.

So for years I yo-yo'd with my ability to be both smart and worth of a boy or man. I say boy because I am sorry a sixteen year old is not yet a man. Whenever I would meet someone who seemed to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation with me they'd end up with some girl who bathed in lip gloss and read Cosmo as if were the truth the way and the light to life. Or sometimes they would end up with a friend of mine who was inclined to shake her ass  from underneath her skirt. That just wasn't me. 

For sometime in my late teens and early twenties I thought maybe those words were correct. Never was I able to have an intelligent relationship. So I really did dumb myself down and became a person I still am not able to reconcile. The old me would still come out from time to time, caught reading a book or writing some poetry made me "intriguing" or "different". But, off to the next girl... Honestly during this time there was maybe a couple of guys who were willing to deal with my brain and eccentricities but, I just could not believe them. I gave up hope. Forget the fact that any women I dated at the time were....possessive NO THANKS!

Some morning I feel like I need a good slap in the face and remember that I am married. I do have some great friends, some wonderful children and am intelligent. This is all okay and I just need to forget what the world thinks of it all.  I read sociology books for fun, NPR is on my iPhone and I bake bread. Why do not just I but, women and people in general feel they need to fit perectly into categories?

Like I said lot's of rambling.

 

Love and The smell of a new book.

Button

Jenn I.: Losing Jim and Recovery

This is an interview with Jenn I. I went to school with her and we hung in the same circle for a bit. She has endured much adversity in the past seven years or so. She said she would share her story and maybe it would help someone, I hope it helped her. During the interview she was honest and open. Her words made my heart weep and her story touched me. Jenn is a beautiful woman with a heart on the mend.

Once I get some good editing software I will add my titles. Watch the video and have a tissue handy.

Thank You Jenn.

Much Love and Peace,

Button

 

 

 

one foot in one foot out

so many times in my marriage i have wanted to leave or have jimmy leave for one reason or another. we have drifted apart and back together several times. for years i felt neglected and hated. i felt unloved and around amusement and sex. i am hearing this was all untrue and still is. i am ready to walk out of the door and be that terrible single mom of five kids. you know that mom who walks everywhere, has a part-time job and wakes up lonely.  this is in no way ideal. i know what people will say and think. i know we look on the outside, and we have tried off and on really hard to keep it together. we have grown in different directions in my opinion. we have both done some not not nice things to each other. we have both closed each other off at points, some lastly years.

at one point i fell into a really bad depression and instead of being pulled out gently i was left to saosk in it. i was left to feel worse because, i could not pull myself out, the quicksand of depression is a hard thing to navigate alone. he was rather mean and harsh, probably scared. his mom has mental problems and i am not sure he was ready for mine.

he has battled a drinking problem since before we became one. i thought my love would be enough to heal his wounds. it never has been. but, coming from a family of addicts i know it has to be something he wants to do, for himself. not for me, not for the kids...for himself. there were times he would pass out midweek on the floor in a pool of his own vomit. my tears can only clean up so much. he has it under control now, but, like before i am leary of how long the control will last. if it's fleeting.

I've in no way been perfect. at some point i closed myself off and became who i thought he wanted. this ultra conservative housewife. i thought he wanted tons of kids, and a house filled with laughter and misplaced fingerprints. sometimes, i am not so sure anymore. he complain a lot about little things, i know a neat and orderly house is grand, but five kids live here. five kids who unschool and are rather artsy. kids with special needs. i think a few years back i lost who i was. i could not see me beneath everything else that was existing.

there have been times when words were barely spoken and kisses were tight lipped. times when sex was one sided and love making was never around. i can't remember how many years passed where i just laid there and looked at the ceiling waiting for it to end. not that it was bad, i just was not there, and either were the orgasms for me. i was shut off entirely and broken.

i stopped doing anything for so long. i rarly did housework, made dinner and all that being a housewife entails. i stopped caring about life, my life. yet, i never did what i had wanted because i love my kids so damn much.

at this point i am willing to work on what we have. i am unsure of the outcome. i do love him, but i am not sure if it's enough. he is working on changing and i have been coming a new person as well.

today jimmy took the kids to the park. he told them that we both love them and we will always be there for them, just maybe not together. that is beyond heartbreaking. because if i do leave, i don't want to get tied into one of those things where mom and dad can not be in the same place at the same time. that is a bunch of bullshit. but, that would depend on us, and any future partners if we ever had any.

thoughts and tears

button

p.s. i hate how i feel and how i make people feel....

 

Flowers and Yoga: Blossoming into Me

Jimmy alwasy reassures me that the woman I am becoming is a woman he is falling more in love with. He says my change is good, that it looks good on me. The other day he said that I looke more beautiful, more sexy and more self confidant than ever. You know what that does to a young girl of 34? It makes her fell so good, and makes her know she is loved for who she is becoming and who she is at that moment. There has been a lot of change in me latly, more than I can even imagine one person going through over decades has happened to me in mere months. Although, the change is somewhat terrifying is has been beautifying.

Today there was a knock on  my door and there stood a lady with a vase full of beautiful flowers in various shades of purple. Daisies, carnations and some other small flower. The note in the card brought me to tears. I almost hugged the delivery girl. How is it that someone could love me so much? I know I can love a lot, and give a lot of love; but, I have never been good a recieving love. I really can not pinpoint why that is. My self worth has always been low. I recall in high school I had a boyfriend. He was about two years my junior. One day he rode the bus home to meet my mom and when I told her, as he stood in the door way she laughed. "Anita, you know you don't have a boyfriend. You don't present yourself well." Much to her surprise there was the guy. It was fleeting, he was a jerk and was dumped two days later when he talked about my moms hotness level. Maybe it's things like that no clue. But, I am learning to accept the love that is given to me. So bare with me if I question your love.

Today was day one, week one of a six week yoga bootcamp I signed up for. It was challenging on so many levels. I was challenged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I originally singed up so I can become more fit, but I think I am already getting more. I had sweat the peace sign on the back of shirt onto my yoga mat, that was amazing. It was so hot from all of us I had to take my glasses off so I could see. This is one of those things I have been wanting and needing to do for the better part of seven years. Here I am stepping out and learning to be a better me.

At the end of class we had a period of what I would call meditation and relaxation.  We laid on our backs, with a lavender pillow across our eyes. I had a bolster under my legs because my tailbone is wacky. We laid there with the sweet sounds of music in the background and the instructor speaking softly and fluidly about change, about thinking of how we see ourselves caring for ourselves. She talked about how as woman we are always nurturing others and how do we nurture ourselves? So we were told to think about that. I was so relaxed I could feel the heaviness take over my body, I cried a bit to clear my mind..and let the thoughts sink in....slowly.

I saw a much thinner, younger version of me. I had long black hair and was running into the brightness of the sun. I was in a field of sunflowers. That version of me was calling to the me I am now. She was hearkening me to follow her as she ran freely. I tried catching up with her and she laughed and spun in circles as she played with bubbles and ran for a bit with a brightly colored kite following her.

Then my mind went back to North Carolina and the Atlantic Ocean. I was surfing the cold salt water waves in February like I once had. I was string and paddled against the current. I keep paddling and as the waves became stronger and more vicious I kept at it. In my mind I had wanted to stop and ride the waves in, but I didn't. I paddled the strong and monstrous waves until I came to a body of water that was peaceful. I turned and looked behind me at the roaring mess, and sat straddling a yellow board and watched the waves until the subsided and I dove deep into the ocean.

This is my season of change, I know there are people who love me and whom I love. I hope as I blossom into the me I was always meant to be, nobody burderns the feeling of hurt.

Much Love and Peace,

Button

My name is Anita and my heart is consumed by two.

A Landslide of Changes

Why yes I am blogging again today. This is what happens when you think a lot and talk/text a lot. Although  I am super excited that I have been losing weight, it's pretty scary. For many years I have been the fluffy girl upstairs, with all the weird kids and a husband who could be with someone more desirable. Yes, I have actually heard people say that. To think he thinks he is unattractive, please. I have been accustomed to being treated a certain way because I always wore dresses or skirts even though I can be hard to approach once you get to know me.  

Now, I am slimming down and I feel great, but I also am leary. How will I be treated now? Will I change so much that I will not recognize myself, not just physically but all around. I know change is good for the most part. Change can be great,in fact I have changed my diet and that has been great. I change my underwear daily and that is awesome, keeps things in working order. I change the sheets so they don't get musty, I change the oil in the van so it lasts, so why am I so afraid of change for my whole self? Maybe because, I am afraid of my ownself at times. It really is completely ridiculous.

The past few months I have changed and come into my own as a woman of the ripe old age of 34. I am more comfortable with myself, and am even open to believing it when people say I am beautiful. So I need to really get over myself, really because it is self-centered and selfish. Whoa is me, I am so fat but am afraid of being skinny. That is just a bucket of shit in the backyard on a hot August day!

My changes are coming rapidly, a landslide so to speak. I am gonna ride the waves down hill and still come out standing. I got some amazing people on my side, and some wonderful kids I need to show, that changes are good and are a part of life. This is my season to blossom.

Well, that is all enjoy these video!

Get off your asses and get real with yourself....people who matter will still love you when you change to better yourself. Everyone else can go smoke a rotten tomato. I mean that in the best way possible.

 

Peace and No Chicken Grease,

Button

 

P.S. The girl Adelle in the first video is married to my friend Justin, whom I was in the Marines with. How awesome is that?!

Love and Ukuleles

  I have had this wonderful implement of music almos a year. For some time I had just left the poor thing hanging on the wall. My creative spirit was crushed by a wave of skeptscism. We had multiple visits by CPS late last year and into spring this year. There was tension between Jimmy and myself during this time that carried over into this summer. In the back of my mind I was sure he hated me and at any moment he would leave me. All the while I was crumbling inside and lost more of myself. I thought to myself "Why pick up the uke? It's just another thing I will fail at."

There was always a list of songs I wanted to learn to play on it. This summer my creativity was sparked, and I began writing again and picked up the Uke (I have not forgotten about my mountain dulcimer). We have become reacquainted and even though it's not easy for a person with short fingers, I am giving her my best.

It is probably not a grand idea for a beginnger to try songs because they love them, but rather because they are easy. I have never sat in a box very well, so I am going the wrong route. My song I am learning is Sea of Love. It is a beautiful simple song. It conveys so much, and it is my heart song for Jimmy my husband. He is an amazing human being and despite all my flaws loves me. He was willing to set me free to find what I really wanted in life.  It was him that told me that my heart is big and had not strayed. I have to say if I did not have him in my life as my companion I would not have survived these past few weeks.

Between my lover and my best friend, I have no wants in life. I am at peace that I was born to give love and accept love, now if I could play the ukulele how I love, I'd be in like Flynn.

Happy Saturday Ya'll

Love and Blessings,

Button

 

P.S. I love playing my djemebe when I am solemn and when I am happy.

New Tattoo

In recent past I have been through a lot of things. These things have not just affected me alone, they have also affected my love , bestest friend and life long companion Jimmy (my husband) and my best friend Jeremy whom I also love. My emotions and heart have been all over the place between the two. So much so I for a slight moment considered ending it all, throwing in the towel so to speak. I have kids who need me and a husband who loves me unconditionally and a friend who would have blamed himself. That in the end would have been worse, then living with hurt and longing for what in not rightly mine to have.

During these past few weeks, all three of us have been through a lot with this and  I can only take the blame. No I am not looking to be a martyr for love and friendship. I know what I have done, and accept what will be my fate in the end.

When I originally contacted my artist about this piece, it was during a time when emotions were high. Feelings were hurt and all three of us were rash and harsh in words. Jeremy and I were not talking. Jimmy and I were barely talking.  It was a rough weekend that left pieces missing and feelings hurt. We all made the best of a bad situation and healed most of our wounds by the end.

(Lotus) I have learned to accept who I am as a person, how my heart and mind were created. I have come from a low and dark place and am blossoming. I have had help with all these things. In life I have love and friendship(geranium covers both). Jimmy is both my love and my greatest friend and with Jeremy the lines were blurred. I can't take any of these things back, I can only grow from it all.  In my life I have relationships, I am a wife, a lover, a mother and a friend. (cuckoo flower) These relationships need to be fertilized so to speak, cared for and nurtured so that they may grow and become a beautiful thing. For all this to work their needs to be truthfulness and respect (jasmine). Nothing grows wells with lies and deception.

So these tattoo is for both Jimmy and Jeremy...as a reminder of what has all happened. I only ask for forgiveness and understanding.

 

Much Love and Respect,

Anita Ann