i have always thrived on bouts of depression, sadness and despair. it for most of my life fuel my creativity. i need a bit of darkness in my life. maybe it's because i never knew happiness as a kid. i had happy moments but, was not in anyway happy. i was used to be being abused in several ways and told not to show emotion.
through my teenage years i was starting to feel some sense of happiness and quickly tried to put that fire out. why did i deserves this kind of life? i was not accustomed to so much laughter and positiveness....so i went another direction form time to time.
what i am eventually going with this post is...i shut down from time to time. last night the abyss took me in much to fast. it was pulling me and when i reached it's depths, i could not see any light. i went to be shut off and closed off. i went to bed with tears and what is so sad, i did it on purpose. i made myself this way so i could write. i can't go that far again. this morning was hell and i needed two people to pull me out. thank god they were both there exactly when i needed them. i will not allow myself to get that far again
so thanks for the help guys! you know who you are!
that i know. He goes by the name of Jimmy. I met him on a cool and misty November day, it was November 9, 1994. It was a nice fall morning in North Carolina. We were young Marines waiting to be picked for our schooling and were in a holding battalion. Along with two or three other young Marines we were picked for a work detail. So, we piled in the back of a five ton truck. There I saw him, he was music to my eyes. I know it sound cheesy but, there was a spark and it was ignited. Even though his first words to me were sarcastic and rude, I still was delighted in his presence. For the first years we were like yo-yo's. Lots of letters, then no letters, we were together but, not. I was with other people as was he, until October 1997 when I rode a bus for the better part of three days from Wichita, Kansas to Jacksonville, North Carolina. We married February 27, 1999. We have lived in three states and in eight homes together. We share five kids, and have had two cars. We have suffered and survived addiction, depression, children with special needs, self doubt, and issues from previous relationships. We have celebrated our love and life along the way. We have seen days where we were lost from one another and days where separation was unbearable. There have been times when others entered the picture and have made our lives fuller...we have run the gamut.
There were times when he was mean and condescending. There have also been times, like now, where the love and understanding are insurmountable. He has been gracious and acceptable for the most part. He was always calm and level headed.
I fear I am losing the Jimmy have grown to know and love. He has a lot of stress from Joaquin, Maggie and Hezekiah's medical problems. Plus my current medical issues and what not. His job was iffy for a bit and now he is sick. His blood pressure is high, he has anxiety and panic attacks. He is falling into a sea of depression and anger.
He is on several medications. The medications he is on are not working well. He is angry, pissy, depressed and can't hold a full erection or ejaculate (he has given me permission to write this). Earlier he was so upset about this that he wanted to reach out for me and find someone to meet those needs. The kids were being loud and very rude. He lost it and cussed at tow of the kids and was yelling rather loudly....screaming is more like it. I about lost it. I had to remain as calm as I could and ask him to leave. He was not thrilled and was yelling at the top of his lungs. This is not my Jimmy, this is not the Jimmy who everyone loves! He hurriedly put on his shoes and grabbed his wallet and left. We were in conversation via chat while he was gone.
While he was gone I was able to chat with jeremy for some support. Who else can I get honest answers from at a moments notice when it comes to Jimmy?
Jimmy came home and we talked some thing out. We agreed to give it a go naturally, he was glad I asked him to leave before anything got physical.
Let it be known my husband has never beat me or our children. He has never beat his exwife either. Just had to put that out there.
I am glad he is currently back to his old joking self. He is currently talking with Hezekiah and watching Veggie Tales.
I would not ever leave his side even if he was in a padded cell. He is my bestest friend and sometimes I want to slap him.
I have always had an issue with my weight. In my mind I was a fat girl in a skinny world. Look at the picture to the left. That is my friend Anna and me. This was grad night at Disneyland June 16,1994. I was 18 and maybe 110 lbs. I thought I was huge and obese and that is why guys did not like me. I felt fat, ugly and undesirable. I had a couple of what you could call boyfriends. Only one was actually nice and I broke up with him because I feared ruining our friendship. I doubt he would remember me now....Hi Wayne if you ever read this.
Looking back, I was not fat let alone obese. Maybe a little rougher looking than my light skinned friends, but not as monstrous as I thought.
My mom and other family member used to try and give me advice on how to look pretty. WOW! Really "look pretty", that did not damage to my self-esteem at all. "Wear makeup, not like that, like this. What's with the black eyeliner, no wear only brown eye-shadows." I can still her it sometimes as I put on my hemp chapstick after my hemp lotion. "Why are you trying to look ugly?" "If you you would...."
There was always weight comments as well. "Suck in your stomach, nobody wants a fat girlfriend." Really mom I was only eight. "You should do some sit ups, nobody likes a fat belly." You should not eat that" "Why aren't you eating?" I could not win. When I got "too skinny" I was questioned as to why. It was insane. There comments here and there about me having nice curves on my hips but, I was wearing the wrong clothes to get a boyfriend. I always thought the boyfriend comments were rich seeing how I was not allowed to have one until I was sixteen, maybe. When I did have one, they liked my mom a bit too much.
As I have gotten older I have packed on the pounds. There are many factors involved the biggest being that dumb Depo-Provera shot that made me gain 80lbs in a year....yes 80!!! There I was working out with Billy Blanks daily and doing 8 miles walks several days a week, and eating tuna and brown rice. What for? So I kind of gave up for awhile. I got off the shot and just lived life, lost 20 pounds or so and got prenant with Joaquin.
There are other factors to my weight hormone issues, PCOS, now thyroid issues, having birthed five kids, depression and pure laziness. I will say mostly my hormonal issues and laziness take the cake in it all. I saw my waist and hips become one...it was wonderful. I got more depressed, more rolls and more criticism from mom. Luckily, I have had a supportive husband who does not care much for stick thin women. He has been with me through a size 3-24ish. The picture to the left was taken today at a size 18. My son Dexter is shorter than I for the time being so I look really funny in the face. But, it's me from his view point. Now that I have lost the some weight I have a waist again, some nice curves here and there. But, why are they now curves and not unsightly rolls? I just got my answered from Jimmy. "Curves are sexy, it's placement." Basically I can have a few rolls and if I have curves in the right places, it's all good. Where are said "curves" nice, hips, waist, backside and chest. By no means does this mean he hated me waistless.
I might add that it depends on how you work it. If I walk around in a moo-moo everyday, that would not be so hot,unless I was pregnant. If I wear ill fitting clothes, that could also make me look bad to myself. So here I am rolls, curves and uneven breasts working with what I got...taking it one day at a time.
As a side note, the outside looking good is useless without the inside looking good.
Love and Skinny Jeans,
Button
P.S. Sometimes I wish red velvet cakes were calorie free so I could eat them everyday.
Jimmy alwasy reassures me that the woman I am becoming is a woman he is falling more in love with. He says my change is good, that it looks good on me. The other day he said that I looke more beautiful, more sexy and more self confidant than ever. You know what that does to a young girl of 34? It makes her fell so good, and makes her know she is loved for who she is becoming and who she is at that moment. There has been a lot of change in me latly, more than I can even imagine one person going through over decades has happened to me in mere months. Although, the change is somewhat terrifying is has been beautifying.
Today there was a knock on my door and there stood a lady with a vase full of beautiful flowers in various shades of purple. Daisies, carnations and some other small flower. The note in the card brought me to tears. I almost hugged the delivery girl. How is it that someone could love me so much? I know I can love a lot, and give a lot of love; but, I have never been good a recieving love. I really can not pinpoint why that is. My self worth has always been low. I recall in high school I had a boyfriend. He was about two years my junior. One day he rode the bus home to meet my mom and when I told her, as he stood in the door way she laughed. "Anita, you know you don't have a boyfriend. You don't present yourself well." Much to her surprise there was the guy. It was fleeting, he was a jerk and was dumped two days later when he talked about my moms hotness level. Maybe it's things like that no clue. But, I am learning to accept the love that is given to me. So bare with me if I question your love.
Today was day one, week one of a six week yoga bootcamp I signed up for. It was challenging on so many levels. I was challenged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I originally singed up so I can become more fit, but I think I am already getting more. I had sweat the peace sign on the back of shirt onto my yoga mat, that was amazing. It was so hot from all of us I had to take my glasses off so I could see. This is one of those things I have been wanting and needing to do for the better part of seven years. Here I am stepping out and learning to be a better me.
At the end of class we had a period of what I would call meditation and relaxation. We laid on our backs, with a lavender pillow across our eyes. I had a bolster under my legs because my tailbone is wacky. We laid there with the sweet sounds of music in the background and the instructor speaking softly and fluidly about change, about thinking of how we see ourselves caring for ourselves. She talked about how as woman we are always nurturing others and how do we nurture ourselves? So we were told to think about that. I was so relaxed I could feel the heaviness take over my body, I cried a bit to clear my mind..and let the thoughts sink in....slowly.
I saw a much thinner, younger version of me. I had long black hair and was running into the brightness of the sun. I was in a field of sunflowers. That version of me was calling to the me I am now. She was hearkening me to follow her as she ran freely. I tried catching up with her and she laughed and spun in circles as she played with bubbles and ran for a bit with a brightly colored kite following her.
Then my mind went back to North Carolina and the Atlantic Ocean. I was surfing the cold salt water waves in February like I once had. I was string and paddled against the current. I keep paddling and as the waves became stronger and more vicious I kept at it. In my mind I had wanted to stop and ride the waves in, but I didn't. I paddled the strong and monstrous waves until I came to a body of water that was peaceful. I turned and looked behind me at the roaring mess, and sat straddling a yellow board and watched the waves until the subsided and I dove deep into the ocean.
This is my season of change, I know there are people who love me and whom I love. I hope as I blossom into the me I was always meant to be, nobody burderns the feeling of hurt.
Why yes I am blogging again today. This is what happens when you think a lot and talk/text a lot. Although I am super excited that I have been losing weight, it's pretty scary. For many years I have been the fluffy girl upstairs, with all the weird kids and a husband who could be with someone more desirable. Yes, I have actually heard people say that. To think he thinks he is unattractive, please. I have been accustomed to being treated a certain way because I always wore dresses or skirts even though I can be hard to approach once you get to know me.
Now, I am slimming down and I feel great, but I also am leary. How will I be treated now? Will I change so much that I will not recognize myself, not just physically but all around. I know change is good for the most part. Change can be great,in fact I have changed my diet and that has been great. I change my underwear daily and that is awesome, keeps things in working order. I change the sheets so they don't get musty, I change the oil in the van so it lasts, so why am I so afraid of change for my whole self? Maybe because, I am afraid of my ownself at times. It really is completely ridiculous.
The past few months I have changed and come into my own as a woman of the ripe old age of 34. I am more comfortable with myself, and am even open to believing it when people say I am beautiful. So I need to really get over myself, really because it is self-centered and selfish. Whoa is me, I am so fat but am afraid of being skinny. That is just a bucket of shit in the backyard on a hot August day!
My changes are coming rapidly, a landslide so to speak. I am gonna ride the waves down hill and still come out standing. I got some amazing people on my side, and some wonderful kids I need to show, that changes are good and are a part of life. This is my season to blossom.
Well, that is all enjoy these video!
Get off your asses and get real with yourself....people who matter will still love you when you change to better yourself. Everyone else can go smoke a rotten tomato. I mean that in the best way possible.
Peace and No Chicken Grease,
Button
P.S. The girl Adelle in the first video is married to my friend Justin, whom I was in the Marines with. How awesome is that?!
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