Oh, What A Spectacle!

Feathered and Fur Friends

Yes, we got some more animals. We now also have a guinea pig and a bird. The kids are very excited and love them already. Maggie holds the guinea pig like a baby. Joaquin and the bird have become fast friends. The bird sits on his shoulder and also, now on his finger no pecking! He is very excited.

Joaquin has Autism as I have mentioned before. When he has something of a living, breathing companion he feels secure. I have always found it interesting that he loves birds. They have flight and in some ways that seems gravity defying. Joaquin has sensations quite often that he is losing his gravitational pull. He was get visibly and vocally upset. He needs rocks in his pocket and....someone to hold is soft pudgy hands.

Maggie probably has ADHD, and maybe be Bi-Polar. This is what has been suggested but, without proper diagnosis. Either way, like Joaquin we still love her. Animals calm her down so much. She has her lab/pit mix lay down with her and he spoons her face to face. She will close her eyes and strokes his coat and everything is good. Small animals give her something beyond herself to care for and nurture. She loves this.

These a few of the reasons I don't mind having various animals around.

Love and Animals.

Button

Flowering Plants...Friends... OH MY!

I have been out in the garden more these days. Thank you summer for coming around. I have been able to pick various beans and peas. YUM! Although, my garden is much smaller than last year I am still happy. At one point I thought I had lost it all. So I am pleasantly pleased to say the least.

I have some hopes of having more time with some old friends this summer. Lots of plans nothing real definite except, Saturday night. Sometimes I overthink I pressume people will have a horrible time with me. Then I realize if I am not cool enough for them, it's because I am a nerd. Oh, I know that I am but, it is okay.

In other news I started walking again. Lucky me I have been encouraged in my weightloss by my husband and my good friend Jeremy. Jimmy is going to get me some new shoes since my little weightloss has shrunk my feet and blisters are not fun.

This weekend we plan on going to a PowWow and scarfing on Indian Tacos. Wonder if I will be awake enough for Saturday night?

Love and Garden Beans

Button

Oh Wednesday

Woke up to a wonderfully clean out and quiet. Unlike most days  was up before any kids. Jimmy was already gone to work so I cracked open the blinds and poured myself a cup of coffee. Had some time to read NPR, BBC and Al Jazeera. Yes, I am a news snob and read the news from the best sources. Music played softly in the background while I read and enjoyed the sun fully rising. As soon as the kids starting coming to we started opening the windows and putting the ceiling fans on. Life is always good when it's not 90 degrees in the house.

Hezzie had a great visit with his teacher. She is amazing and real. She includes his younger siblings in her thoughts and brought balloons yesterday. It was like a party with these orange things floating through the air and the kids laughing...louder and louder and louder.

When Jimmy got home we took Maggie and Hezzie to the library. It was a Cesar Chavez celebration that I say, did not meet my expectations. It was a story, a less than informative slide show and a worksheet. Okay...but, I did get some good info on volunteering in the summer with the kids program...go me. The kids ended up playing with puzzles and games.

We headed down to the community garden afterwards. Jimmy dig out this huge weed whose root was like a small tree...no joke. (note: that is not even the whole root). He went back home with all the kids and I stayed and did more weeding and watering. I also did a video.

On my walk home I took a wonderful picture of what grows randomly. Not sure if this is part of the house or the church in borders.

Love and Life,

Button

more rambling and bad grammar

some days i just had a bad hour or two. some days they are horrific. seriously, not sure why i have allowed my emotions to be so out there in my almost middle age.

i have had a lot of self doubt today. for some reason i feel like i just fail! fail as a wife, mother, daughter, friend and all around human being. my husband comes home a knit picks what is wrong or undone. my family criticizes my parenting and housekeeping. friends stay at arms distance. maybe i carry the loverly ordor or supreme failure. maybe the lack of degree on my crayon colored walls or the fact i don't conform to the wal-mart standards of society does it. my 2.5 kids has turned into five and they are unschooled, unsocialized and can be unruly. mostly, they are just like any other unbrainwashed kids.

i know i have chosen this life. the life of kids all day and all  night. the life of a domestic hippie and wife. but, you know i feel somehow punished for it, that seems unfair. my heart is so full of love that when it breaks...it shatters. i fall to pieces, and it comes it big waves. tears, words and emotions take me into the abyss and back above water rapidly. it can be hard for jimmy hearing my shakey tearful voice on the phone.  sometimes i feel like holding back the details of my thoughts with him because of his health. can you imagine if my lack of self esteem was his demise. one way or another he finds out how it all is in my head. but, we are very different souls tangled in love.

i am very blessed i have a friend i can turn to who has similar emotions and thoughts. helps make things clear and even has helped me see jimmys side on things. gotta say between the two i am still breathing and loving my world. bi-polar much? maybe, maybe not.

some days i think my kids hate me despite what i do for them. it's like nothing is good enough. just like with my husband and numerous relatives. wish i could snatch them up and live in a rv of sorts for a year. on the road traveling, learning, loving and living life.   being away from all that consumes and frustrates me. connecting again and remembering why i chose to make a family with kids who can misbehave and speak their minds. kids who go barefoot and eat food from the earth that we planted. kids who sing, dance, paint draw and make music. kids who read and write. kids who get dirty and say what they man and mean what they say. kids who wear tye dye with camo and fedoras with vans. kids who pick their noses and pull each other hair. kids who eat frozen grapes and carrots. kids who lay across me and ask me about the day they were born.

i also have chosen to stay married to someone with an on again off again drinking problem. someone who i am sure has some mental issues as it runs in his family. someone unsatisfied with life and who still carried the wrongs of his exes. someone who looks at me and sees all the things he dislikes in his own mother. someone who questions the things that matter to me the most. i have chosen this because i know he loves me still despite my eccentricities and all that consumes me. he protects me from those who come to harm me emotionally. sounds weird i know, sounds somehow abusive i know. but, it's not. and i am no angel. i can be physical when emotional. somehow hoping he'd leave and live a life that satisfies him. maybe have new wife, new kids with disney channel wardrobes. a house that looks likes his neighbors and chance for american normalcy. because, i want none of those things. he assures me, that is not what he needs....but, is it what he wants.

my life is colorful and fragile at times. i always kind of knew it would be this way. but, i never knew it would involve a family. just thought it would be me in a one room apartment with cats and maybe some fish. in my own thoughts laying upon a cold bed with books and music to feel my emptiness. riding a bike to get from here to there and living on nothing. taking warm showers to make me feel loved living in a place where i knew nobody.

it's funny because i can still feel empty, i can still feel my bed is cold but, i know i am loved. i leave near people i know. but, i am still at a distance from them. be it me or them...it's still there. then the sun will come out and life is wonderful. i have friends and family. i am smiling and in my head i think "how soon will this end?". life is a rainbow of emotions for me. my only hope is that my kids don't suffer the same way. that they can learn to love and accept love early on. that they can be happy in life with a little or a lot. that they can break the mold and not fall into mundane patterns of existing and not living....

button

life is...

full of so many unexpected things, so many blessing, so many memories. I took BayLee for a walk this morning and got to think a bit. Thinking about where I grew up and how we used to take our german shepard for a walk all the time. He was such and outside dog. Amazing and loving....I miss him.

I also got to enjoy the warm sunlight on my bare face and feel it's warmth through my black hoodie. It felt nice to feel my Nike's hit the sidewalks and roam for a bit. I had the latest podcast of This America Life on and felt amazing. Despite that I had a molar and a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday and it is "shark week" it was a wonderful walk.

Jimmy is off work for four days in a row...it's almost like a staycation. Well, for me because he knows my pain comes and goes. The pain in my mouth, head and foot. Hopefully soon his day off will be a staycation for him.

We have been enjoying some nice time outside. We have a gazebo in the backyard with some chairs and my beloved papasan. We also have a nice firepit for night time marshmellow roasting and for warmth when stargazing.   Jimmy hung my windchime in the gazebo today so I could listen to it sing.

Earlier in the day when my face was hurting a bit, I lay upon the papasan and closed my eyes. I let the sun warm my cheek and I drifted off for a bit at Hezzie lay in my lap. It was nice to have that therapy.

Today Maggie and Waylon returned home from my moms. They always come back looking so fresh and clean. Wonder if they are really dirty when they leave. Mom washed out Maggie's baby dreads. She goes back and forth with wanting them anyhow.

Spring is coming and I am hoping for a change in myself....weight, hair, attitude and such. Spring is always beautiful to me. It makes me want to have picnics and go on long walks. Makes me think of flowers and spring sprouts. Makes me thinks of hugs, kisses and babies in arm. Pretty dresses and bike rides.

:Life is wonferful:

Peace and Blessings.

Button

There is this guy...

that i know. He goes by the name of Jimmy. I met him on a cool and misty November day, it was November 9, 1994. It was a nice fall morning in North Carolina. We were young Marines waiting to be picked for our schooling and were in a holding battalion. Along with two or three other young Marines we were picked for a work detail. So, we piled in the back of a five ton truck. There I saw him, he was music to my eyes. I know it sound cheesy but, there was a spark and it was ignited. Even though his first words to me were sarcastic and rude, I still was delighted in his presence. For the first years we were like yo-yo's. Lots of letters, then no letters, we were together but, not. I was with other people as was he, until October 1997 when I rode a bus for the better part of three days from Wichita, Kansas to Jacksonville, North Carolina. We married February 27, 1999.  We have lived in three states and in eight homes together. We share five kids, and have had two cars. We have suffered and survived addiction, depression, children with special needs, self doubt, and issues from previous relationships. We have celebrated our love and life along the way. We have seen days where we were lost from one another and days where separation was unbearable. There have been times when others entered the picture and have made our lives fuller...we have run the gamut.

There were times when he was mean and condescending. There have also been times, like now, where the love and understanding are insurmountable. He has been gracious and acceptable for the most part. He was always calm and level headed.

I fear I am losing the Jimmy have grown to know and love. He has a lot of stress from Joaquin, Maggie and Hezekiah's medical problems. Plus my current medical issues and what not. His job was iffy for a bit and now he is sick. His blood pressure is high, he has anxiety and panic attacks. He is falling into a sea of depression and anger.

He is on several medications. The medications he is on are not working well. He is angry, pissy, depressed and can't hold a full erection or ejaculate (he has given me permission to write this). Earlier he was so upset about this that he wanted to reach out for me and find someone to meet those needs. The kids were being loud and very rude. He lost it and cussed at tow of the kids and was yelling rather loudly....screaming is more like it. I about lost it. I had to remain as calm as I could and ask him to leave. He was not thrilled and was yelling at the top of his lungs. This is not my Jimmy, this is not the Jimmy who everyone loves! He hurriedly put on his shoes and grabbed his wallet and left. We were in conversation via chat while he was gone.

While he was gone I was able to chat with jeremy for some support. Who else can I get honest answers from at a moments notice when it comes to Jimmy?

Jimmy came home and we talked some thing out. We agreed to give it a go naturally, he was glad I asked him to leave before anything got physical. 

Let it be known my husband has never beat me or our children. He has never beat his exwife either. Just had to put that out there.

I am glad he is currently back to his old joking self. He is currently talking with Hezekiah and watching Veggie Tales.

I would not ever leave his side even if he was in a padded cell. He is my bestest friend and sometimes I want to slap him.

 

Love and Pain,

Button

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flowers and Yoga: Blossoming into Me

Jimmy alwasy reassures me that the woman I am becoming is a woman he is falling more in love with. He says my change is good, that it looks good on me. The other day he said that I looke more beautiful, more sexy and more self confidant than ever. You know what that does to a young girl of 34? It makes her fell so good, and makes her know she is loved for who she is becoming and who she is at that moment. There has been a lot of change in me latly, more than I can even imagine one person going through over decades has happened to me in mere months. Although, the change is somewhat terrifying is has been beautifying.

Today there was a knock on  my door and there stood a lady with a vase full of beautiful flowers in various shades of purple. Daisies, carnations and some other small flower. The note in the card brought me to tears. I almost hugged the delivery girl. How is it that someone could love me so much? I know I can love a lot, and give a lot of love; but, I have never been good a recieving love. I really can not pinpoint why that is. My self worth has always been low. I recall in high school I had a boyfriend. He was about two years my junior. One day he rode the bus home to meet my mom and when I told her, as he stood in the door way she laughed. "Anita, you know you don't have a boyfriend. You don't present yourself well." Much to her surprise there was the guy. It was fleeting, he was a jerk and was dumped two days later when he talked about my moms hotness level. Maybe it's things like that no clue. But, I am learning to accept the love that is given to me. So bare with me if I question your love.

Today was day one, week one of a six week yoga bootcamp I signed up for. It was challenging on so many levels. I was challenged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I originally singed up so I can become more fit, but I think I am already getting more. I had sweat the peace sign on the back of shirt onto my yoga mat, that was amazing. It was so hot from all of us I had to take my glasses off so I could see. This is one of those things I have been wanting and needing to do for the better part of seven years. Here I am stepping out and learning to be a better me.

At the end of class we had a period of what I would call meditation and relaxation.  We laid on our backs, with a lavender pillow across our eyes. I had a bolster under my legs because my tailbone is wacky. We laid there with the sweet sounds of music in the background and the instructor speaking softly and fluidly about change, about thinking of how we see ourselves caring for ourselves. She talked about how as woman we are always nurturing others and how do we nurture ourselves? So we were told to think about that. I was so relaxed I could feel the heaviness take over my body, I cried a bit to clear my mind..and let the thoughts sink in....slowly.

I saw a much thinner, younger version of me. I had long black hair and was running into the brightness of the sun. I was in a field of sunflowers. That version of me was calling to the me I am now. She was hearkening me to follow her as she ran freely. I tried catching up with her and she laughed and spun in circles as she played with bubbles and ran for a bit with a brightly colored kite following her.

Then my mind went back to North Carolina and the Atlantic Ocean. I was surfing the cold salt water waves in February like I once had. I was string and paddled against the current. I keep paddling and as the waves became stronger and more vicious I kept at it. In my mind I had wanted to stop and ride the waves in, but I didn't. I paddled the strong and monstrous waves until I came to a body of water that was peaceful. I turned and looked behind me at the roaring mess, and sat straddling a yellow board and watched the waves until the subsided and I dove deep into the ocean.

This is my season of change, I know there are people who love me and whom I love. I hope as I blossom into the me I was always meant to be, nobody burderns the feeling of hurt.

Much Love and Peace,

Button

My name is Anita and my heart is consumed by two.

Love and Ukuleles

  I have had this wonderful implement of music almos a year. For some time I had just left the poor thing hanging on the wall. My creative spirit was crushed by a wave of skeptscism. We had multiple visits by CPS late last year and into spring this year. There was tension between Jimmy and myself during this time that carried over into this summer. In the back of my mind I was sure he hated me and at any moment he would leave me. All the while I was crumbling inside and lost more of myself. I thought to myself "Why pick up the uke? It's just another thing I will fail at."

There was always a list of songs I wanted to learn to play on it. This summer my creativity was sparked, and I began writing again and picked up the Uke (I have not forgotten about my mountain dulcimer). We have become reacquainted and even though it's not easy for a person with short fingers, I am giving her my best.

It is probably not a grand idea for a beginnger to try songs because they love them, but rather because they are easy. I have never sat in a box very well, so I am going the wrong route. My song I am learning is Sea of Love. It is a beautiful simple song. It conveys so much, and it is my heart song for Jimmy my husband. He is an amazing human being and despite all my flaws loves me. He was willing to set me free to find what I really wanted in life.  It was him that told me that my heart is big and had not strayed. I have to say if I did not have him in my life as my companion I would not have survived these past few weeks.

Between my lover and my best friend, I have no wants in life. I am at peace that I was born to give love and accept love, now if I could play the ukulele how I love, I'd be in like Flynn.

Happy Saturday Ya'll

Love and Blessings,

Button

 

P.S. I love playing my djemebe when I am solemn and when I am happy.

New Tattoo

In recent past I have been through a lot of things. These things have not just affected me alone, they have also affected my love , bestest friend and life long companion Jimmy (my husband) and my best friend Jeremy whom I also love. My emotions and heart have been all over the place between the two. So much so I for a slight moment considered ending it all, throwing in the towel so to speak. I have kids who need me and a husband who loves me unconditionally and a friend who would have blamed himself. That in the end would have been worse, then living with hurt and longing for what in not rightly mine to have.

During these past few weeks, all three of us have been through a lot with this and  I can only take the blame. No I am not looking to be a martyr for love and friendship. I know what I have done, and accept what will be my fate in the end.

When I originally contacted my artist about this piece, it was during a time when emotions were high. Feelings were hurt and all three of us were rash and harsh in words. Jeremy and I were not talking. Jimmy and I were barely talking.  It was a rough weekend that left pieces missing and feelings hurt. We all made the best of a bad situation and healed most of our wounds by the end.

(Lotus) I have learned to accept who I am as a person, how my heart and mind were created. I have come from a low and dark place and am blossoming. I have had help with all these things. In life I have love and friendship(geranium covers both). Jimmy is both my love and my greatest friend and with Jeremy the lines were blurred. I can't take any of these things back, I can only grow from it all.  In my life I have relationships, I am a wife, a lover, a mother and a friend. (cuckoo flower) These relationships need to be fertilized so to speak, cared for and nurtured so that they may grow and become a beautiful thing. For all this to work their needs to be truthfulness and respect (jasmine). Nothing grows wells with lies and deception.

So these tattoo is for both Jimmy and Jeremy...as a reminder of what has all happened. I only ask for forgiveness and understanding.

 

Much Love and Respect,

Anita Ann

bad laptops and pills

So less than a week ago my husband, Jimmy bought me a laptop so I could continue with my writing. Well, it went to internal error hell. All I have to say is "Thank God for Google Documents!" If it wasn't for that I would be in a writing slump shedding fruitless tears over lost writings. I could see me with my Sylvia Plath pose, head in the oven crying, screaming kids while my husband was at work. Ok maybe not that bad, but close.

I jokingly told my friend Jeremy I could use the broken laptop as a footrest. I was not to happy. I must have called Jimmy a dozen or more times. I was really upset because, I had ideas of things to write and wanted to do so. Well, now I can say "Hello Dummy! Paper and pen, old school that shit next time." But, I was consumed with the loss of an electronic device and wasn't thinking straight. Glad that is over. (Oh Jimmy said I could use his but, that's not the same.)

Jimmy and myself went to the doctors today. He has a new blood pressure medication. Oh the joys, he is way too young for all that nonsense. Nothing a little herbal remedy can't fix, along with some exercise and diet change. Now me, I am on thyroid meds. When the doctor told me that, I was thought to myself "Is it downhill from here? Is this what getting old is like?" I have always considered myself healthy fat and now this. Oh and now my left breast is giving me pain. More than likely it's not cancer since my white cells are good. So what gives? Maybe hormones or something wacky. But, I have sought out some alternative treatments for pain other than motrin and tylenol, I'd like to keep my kidney's healthy thank you. Just in case you wanted to know, I hate pills. I really hate pills.

That is all today.

Peace and Pills,

Button

 

random fact: i apparently sleep text