Oh, What A Spectacle!

BooBoo Baby...okay toddler

My post from yesterday did not come through. So here are some pics from yesterday.

Mr. Hez and Daddy befor sugery

A very unhappy Hezzie. Momma was crying.

The toothpick.

After some fentynol and morphine.

 

Love and BooBoos.

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There is this guy...

that i know. He goes by the name of Jimmy. I met him on a cool and misty November day, it was November 9, 1994. It was a nice fall morning in North Carolina. We were young Marines waiting to be picked for our schooling and were in a holding battalion. Along with two or three other young Marines we were picked for a work detail. So, we piled in the back of a five ton truck. There I saw him, he was music to my eyes. I know it sound cheesy but, there was a spark and it was ignited. Even though his first words to me were sarcastic and rude, I still was delighted in his presence. For the first years we were like yo-yo's. Lots of letters, then no letters, we were together but, not. I was with other people as was he, until October 1997 when I rode a bus for the better part of three days from Wichita, Kansas to Jacksonville, North Carolina. We married February 27, 1999.  We have lived in three states and in eight homes together. We share five kids, and have had two cars. We have suffered and survived addiction, depression, children with special needs, self doubt, and issues from previous relationships. We have celebrated our love and life along the way. We have seen days where we were lost from one another and days where separation was unbearable. There have been times when others entered the picture and have made our lives fuller...we have run the gamut.

There were times when he was mean and condescending. There have also been times, like now, where the love and understanding are insurmountable. He has been gracious and acceptable for the most part. He was always calm and level headed.

I fear I am losing the Jimmy have grown to know and love. He has a lot of stress from Joaquin, Maggie and Hezekiah's medical problems. Plus my current medical issues and what not. His job was iffy for a bit and now he is sick. His blood pressure is high, he has anxiety and panic attacks. He is falling into a sea of depression and anger.

He is on several medications. The medications he is on are not working well. He is angry, pissy, depressed and can't hold a full erection or ejaculate (he has given me permission to write this). Earlier he was so upset about this that he wanted to reach out for me and find someone to meet those needs. The kids were being loud and very rude. He lost it and cussed at tow of the kids and was yelling rather loudly....screaming is more like it. I about lost it. I had to remain as calm as I could and ask him to leave. He was not thrilled and was yelling at the top of his lungs. This is not my Jimmy, this is not the Jimmy who everyone loves! He hurriedly put on his shoes and grabbed his wallet and left. We were in conversation via chat while he was gone.

While he was gone I was able to chat with jeremy for some support. Who else can I get honest answers from at a moments notice when it comes to Jimmy?

Jimmy came home and we talked some thing out. We agreed to give it a go naturally, he was glad I asked him to leave before anything got physical. 

Let it be known my husband has never beat me or our children. He has never beat his exwife either. Just had to put that out there.

I am glad he is currently back to his old joking self. He is currently talking with Hezekiah and watching Veggie Tales.

I would not ever leave his side even if he was in a padded cell. He is my bestest friend and sometimes I want to slap him.

 

Love and Pain,

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A fun ride in an ambulance....

Yes, that was my Wednesday present. I am such a lucky duck! Don't you think? My thyroid medication does not like me and tried to put me out. I woke up this morning and had a bit of weak breathing. I thought perhaps I had awoken too early. It passed and I did a few things around the house, wrote some, talked on the phone a few times with Jimmy and chatted a bit with Jeremy. I played my ukulele some and baked. Around lunch time the feeling returned pretty rapidly and I felt pressure on my chest and breathing became a bit more bothersome. Then pain began radiating in my left arm, that was awesome. I called Jimmy and apparently I was slurring my words and being weird and I was slurring in texts to Jeremy. My lips were tingly and I felt the need to close my eyes and lay down. I could not get comfortable so I sat in the thinking chair  and closed my eyes. At one point I texted Renate to come and sit with the kids. I felt super weak and nausiated. I began gagging and almost vomited a few times. Jimmy got home called 911 and asked me if I could stand, I nearly fell over and sat back down with my eyes closed.

I was not really wanted to talk to the paramedics who later referred to Jimmy as "the guy inside". I could barely get words out so Jimmy talked a bit for me. It was grand having some strange mad but sticky circles around and under my left breast.

My heart is fine but my blood pressure was high. I was in the ER too long for my liking and am glad I am home. To break the tension Jimmy and I poked fun at each other on Facebook through our cellphones. We also both had separate conversation with Jeremy. Thank you, again for being there, dear and offering your help.

I got subway and some art supplies for some painting I will be doing in the next few months.

Well, tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities.

Love and Health,

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P.S. I like when toys names Zurg end up in my bag of tricks and make me laugh. Also, that is my ambulance, Jimmy took a picture as he followed us.

Rolls, Curves...what is the difference?

I have always had an issue with my weight. In my mind I was a fat girl in a skinny world. Look at the picture to the left. That is my friend Anna and me. This was grad night at Disneyland June 16,1994. I was 18 and maybe 110 lbs. I thought I was huge and obese and that is why guys did not like me. I felt fat, ugly and undesirable. I had a couple of what you could call boyfriends. Only one was actually nice and I broke up with him because I feared ruining our friendship. I doubt he would remember me now....Hi Wayne if you ever read this.

Looking back, I was not fat let alone obese. Maybe a little rougher looking than my light skinned friends, but not as monstrous as I thought.

My mom and other family member used to try and give me advice on how to look pretty. WOW! Really "look pretty", that did not damage to my self-esteem at all. "Wear makeup, not like that, like this. What's with the black eyeliner, no wear only brown eye-shadows." I can still her it sometimes as I put on my hemp chapstick after my hemp lotion. "Why are you trying to look ugly?" "If you you would...."

There was always weight comments as well. "Suck in your stomach, nobody wants a fat girlfriend." Really mom I was only eight. "You should do some sit ups, nobody likes a fat belly." You should not eat that" "Why aren't you eating?" I could not win. When I got "too skinny" I was questioned as to why. It was insane. There comments here and there about me having nice curves on my hips but, I was wearing the wrong clothes to get a  boyfriend. I always thought the boyfriend comments were rich seeing how I was not allowed to have one until I was sixteen, maybe. When I did have one, they liked my mom a bit too much.

As I have gotten older I have packed on the pounds. There are many factors involved the biggest being that dumb Depo-Provera shot that made me gain 80lbs in a year....yes 80!!! There I was working out with Billy Blanks daily and doing 8 miles walks several days a week, and eating tuna and brown rice. What for? So I kind of gave up for awhile. I got off the shot and just lived life, lost 20 pounds or so and got prenant with Joaquin.

There are other factors to my weight hormone issues, PCOS, now thyroid issues, having birthed five kids, depression and pure laziness. I will say mostly my hormonal issues and laziness take the cake in it all. I saw my waist and hips become one...it was wonderful. I got more depressed, more rolls and more criticism from mom. Luckily, I have had a supportive husband who does not care much for stick thin women. He has been with me through a size 3-24ish. The picture to the left was taken today at a size 18. My son Dexter is shorter than I for the time being so I look really funny in the face. But, it's me from his view point. Now that I have lost the some weight I have a waist again, some nice curves here and there. But, why are they now curves and not unsightly rolls? I just got my answered from Jimmy. "Curves are sexy, it's placement." Basically I can have a few rolls and if I have curves in the right places, it's all good. Where are said "curves" nice, hips, waist, backside and chest. By no means does this mean he hated me waistless. 

I might add that it depends on how you work it. If I walk around in a moo-moo everyday, that would not be so hot,unless I was pregnant. If I wear ill fitting clothes, that could also make me look bad to myself. So here I am rolls, curves and uneven breasts working with what I got...taking it one day at a time.

As a side note, the outside looking good is useless without the inside looking good.

Love and Skinny Jeans,

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P.S. Sometimes I wish red velvet cakes were calorie free so I could eat them everyday.

Breasts, Boobs, ChiChi's, Funbags,Ta-Ta's.....

So yeah, there are many names for the Ole Mighty Mammory Glands. They are fun, nutricious and in some cases nice to gaze upon. Let's be real, if they are there for the looking someone is going to look.

For most of my younger years I lingered around a B cup, barely. I never gave the gals much thought or concern. The latter part of my teens and early part of my twenties I was able to go braless like the hippie I am. The were free to breathe and grow (not really) as they wanted to. I miss those carless bra free days.

I am older,  a bit fuller figured (oh well a lot) and a bit wiser. For some time I have had some pain in my right breast and armpit. Oh the pain is oh so pleasant when it feels like a a needle is being shoved through the center of my nipple and the pain radiates to my arm all the way to me elbow. Oh yes. Part of me thought, well maybe my bra is too tight, maybe the underwire is twisted...or maybe I just needed a bra free day here and there. I know scary thought for someone who has nursed five kids. But, you know sometimes the girls wanna hang low and wobble to and fro'.

So I decided when none of that worked, hmmm maybe I should feel myself up and see what's the what. Boys and girls I was suprised. I felt not one but two masses. Awesome sauce. Who doesn't want a mass or two in their smaller breast? Am I right? I stood around in the shower for awhile (I know another scary thought) and hemped myself up with my shampoos and soaps. I decided to call in Jimmy to make sure I wasn't imagining the masses. Plus, you know its' nice when your husband feels you up, even when a starnger does it.....kidding, or am I? He felt what I felt where I felt them.

I went to the doctor awhile back and got felt up by the P.A. That was nice and not painful in the least. She oredered some blood work and an ultrasound on said breast. Me being me and rather not knowing what is going on....I lingered on getting anything done. My husband was not too happy and quite upset. I just felt that if I am in some way dying from my own breasts, I don't wnat to know...why would I want to know? I love my breasts and I love that they have helped feed five kids at some point. The thought of chemo and radiation is not one that brings me the joy of an eight year old on Christmas morning.  My husband pestered me with love and my bestfriend tried reasoning with me. My response was always "Jimmy (or I'd say You to Jimmy) can find a new wife if I die, what's the big deal?" This did not go over well at all.

I had bloodwork done and scheduled my sonogram. My bloodwork showed I have a bad thyroid. I had a very painful and messy ultrasound this morning. The tech was talking my ear off and then the pain set it pretty badly, she got quiet and I could here hear clicking away on that damn machine. She was sighing as she was doing it and that made me nervous. She asked if I had  a mammogram yet in which I replied no. Damn lady this hurts bad enough I don't particularly want to have my breasts smashed like pancakes at IHOP. She told me that my doctor should have my results in a week and to make and appointments ASAP. That was so reassuring,  UGGG!

I peeked a peek at the bitty pictures on the bottom. I saw at least three masses in one picture, oh the joy. So I waltzed out and found Jimmy. We went outside and cried a bit. Then I shook it off because I am Wonder Woman and feel no pain or emotion. I texted my best-friend and off to the mall we went. I got some new clothes and then my mind went wandering. I was thinking how sad that I went down a few bra sizes and Jimmy has recently bought me some really nice bras, and how much it'll suck if I lose the beauties that reside in them. Maybe if I do I can get him the boobie stress balls and lay them nicely in a nice bra for him. He can relieve his stress and have fun all at once.

I don't know if he will love them as much as he loves what I got going on right now but, it would be a fun gift for him

That is all for now.

Bras and Boobies,

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P.S. Apparently joking about forgetting my lab slip was not funny to anyone but myself....poor sports.

crappy crap crap crapperson

Well, I started my thyroid meds today.I really could have gone without doing so. I felt pretty good until lunch time. My mood was kind of bleh, and then it went to crap. I suddenly was tired and fell asleep. I woke up and the movie I had been watching had some kid cutting himself. Not that day to deal with any of those emotions.

I felt kind of bullied and cornered about taking the pills. Since my thyroid is not severely underact ive, I am sure diet change could help. Maybe I am being melodramatic, I don't know. So I have this damned headache all afternoon.  Part of me wanted to stay home all evening under my blanket and sleep. I had promised Dexter I would take him to youth and had made plans to visit my best friend.

My headache was crap, my mood was crap and my evening turned to crap. I am sure I made people feel crappy because I felt crappy, and for that I feel even more like crap. The vist with my friend never happened and yes, I was a bit upset. But, these things happen in life...yet, I am an emotional whore and got upset. My blood sugar was low because, I had only eaten 1/2 a cup of macaroni and cheese today. Jimmy told me to get food, so I went to the crappiest subway known to man. Hard avocados, wilted and browned lettuce ugh, but I still paid for my food.

On my way home I got a response from a text that made me feel more crappy, because that person felt crappy. So I had some tears going for that and then some more because I started thinking about other things. Thinking about my 35 year old  husband on blood pressure medicine, and how I must be killing him. How people can worry and ache over me and I am so not worth the crap on the floor of a public rest stops floor.

Can I have a do over? Please!

Crap! Do overs are for video games!

 

Crap and 1000 Sheet Rolls,

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Interesting Fact about me: I like to buy eco-friendly toilet paper

bad laptops and pills

So less than a week ago my husband, Jimmy bought me a laptop so I could continue with my writing. Well, it went to internal error hell. All I have to say is "Thank God for Google Documents!" If it wasn't for that I would be in a writing slump shedding fruitless tears over lost writings. I could see me with my Sylvia Plath pose, head in the oven crying, screaming kids while my husband was at work. Ok maybe not that bad, but close.

I jokingly told my friend Jeremy I could use the broken laptop as a footrest. I was not to happy. I must have called Jimmy a dozen or more times. I was really upset because, I had ideas of things to write and wanted to do so. Well, now I can say "Hello Dummy! Paper and pen, old school that shit next time." But, I was consumed with the loss of an electronic device and wasn't thinking straight. Glad that is over. (Oh Jimmy said I could use his but, that's not the same.)

Jimmy and myself went to the doctors today. He has a new blood pressure medication. Oh the joys, he is way too young for all that nonsense. Nothing a little herbal remedy can't fix, along with some exercise and diet change. Now me, I am on thyroid meds. When the doctor told me that, I was thought to myself "Is it downhill from here? Is this what getting old is like?" I have always considered myself healthy fat and now this. Oh and now my left breast is giving me pain. More than likely it's not cancer since my white cells are good. So what gives? Maybe hormones or something wacky. But, I have sought out some alternative treatments for pain other than motrin and tylenol, I'd like to keep my kidney's healthy thank you. Just in case you wanted to know, I hate pills. I really hate pills.

That is all today.

Peace and Pills,

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random fact: i apparently sleep text

38DD

That is my bra size. Although I am sure the right one is more a C/D because my kids have preferred to nurse on the left. I have grown to love them the way they are. They have nourished my babies and have been a source of pleasure for my husband.

For sometime I have had some pain in my right breast and right armpit. At times it feels like someone is sticking a needle through my nipple down into my chest cavity. Which is always a wonderful feeling. I am considering medical marijuana seriously. Motrin is crap and bad for my kidney's.

I was going to not do my bloodwork or get my ultrasound. But, Jimmy was getting upset and it literally made him sick. He is now on blood pressure and anxiety meds (also, other things such as kids with medical problems). So with him being sick and my best friend Jeremy explaining how Jimmy was probably feeling, I decided to go ahead with it.

My appointment was scheduled on October 18th, called today and   be going on Sunday. Now the nerves and the paranoia set in. The doctor had said in her opinion that the lumps seem to deep and hard to be cysts....so what pops in my head....cancer. GAH! The other day I was having a facebook conversation with Jimmy's ex-wife and she mentioned maybe calcified milk in a duct. I would prefer the latter. It would ideally like it to be nothing at all.

Now back to your regulalrly scheduled program.....

 

song of the day.

 

 

Interesting fact about me:  I like collecting Pyrex!