Oh, What A Spectacle!

Oh, What A Weekend!

This weekend was so crazy in a very good way. I did some writing on request and was told it was really amazing. That made my weekend amazing right there. That was great. Maggie spent Friday night at a big slumber party. Apparently she was cracking jokes and being fun. I am glad I opted out of being a helper so she could be herself. This warms my heart. I would share a picture but, unsure of some of the parents wanting their kids on my blog.

Saturday, I joined a group on Facebook called The Full Body Project. I submitted a picture and this is it. This is what I wore Saturday during the day. New dresses make me smile. Well, new to me ones.

 

Full Body Project

Saturday night I went to an old school friends house. They have a bar in their garage. It wa spretty awesome and I may have drank a bit too much. Well, enough to talk way too much on the way home and in text. But, nothing I said was lies or regrets. Just me bold on wine and some kind of vodka drink. Which I will be making soon.

 

My beautiful friend Dawn and I.

Sunday was so busy but, not in a bad "I want to go home and die" kind of way. My friend Jessica (who does my tattoos) went on a wild adventure to find a place to walk/hike in the rain. It was so much fun. We ended up at a park with a hilly path. Since there was water flow from the rain we had to do some jumping.

Jessica and myself

 

Me jumping over water

I fell on some slippery mud and rocks. I laughed because it was pretty funny. We had a ball.

 

me after my fall...hilarious

Jessica made Waylon his own Martian. He loves is and has named it Google Chrome. He likes that it has a rocket toy. I think it will be well loved.

 

Waylon and Google Chrome with his paper iPhone

 

Love and Weekend Fun

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Flowering Plants...Friends... OH MY!

I have been out in the garden more these days. Thank you summer for coming around. I have been able to pick various beans and peas. YUM! Although, my garden is much smaller than last year I am still happy. At one point I thought I had lost it all. So I am pleasantly pleased to say the least.

I have some hopes of having more time with some old friends this summer. Lots of plans nothing real definite except, Saturday night. Sometimes I overthink I pressume people will have a horrible time with me. Then I realize if I am not cool enough for them, it's because I am a nerd. Oh, I know that I am but, it is okay.

In other news I started walking again. Lucky me I have been encouraged in my weightloss by my husband and my good friend Jeremy. Jimmy is going to get me some new shoes since my little weightloss has shrunk my feet and blisters are not fun.

This weekend we plan on going to a PowWow and scarfing on Indian Tacos. Wonder if I will be awake enough for Saturday night?

Love and Garden Beans

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Boys as Friends (or men now): JRJ

I was reading a blog post this week. This particular post got me thinking about friendships I have had over the years. Most of my best friends have been boys who are now men. In third grade is when I made my very best friend.  JRJ was a really nice kid. He was kind of chubby, always laughing. He had a mullet of thick blond hair and wore wrestling pants a la Hulk Holgan. He made my mornings bright by waiting at my gate for me to walk to the bus-stop all the way even into high school. While we rarely had classes together or hung out at school we were close. We both came from dysfunctional families and lived at opposite ends of our street. If there was yelling, crying, things being thrown or cops it was one of our houses.

We were both very protective of each other, in so many ways. He was like a brother to me in many ways. We supported each other and had lots of laughs and knowing looks. Once at a youth group skate night he skated a couples skate. It felt safe holding his hand because, I knew he was my friend.

After high school I was preparing to go into the Marines. After some time on my own (since the end of my senior year) I decided to spend time at my moms. She was gone a lot of weekends in Las Vegas to see my step-dad, so I was home alone a lot. JRJ and I spent a lot of time together having parties or visiting. The last time I saw him before bootcamp he gave me a silver band to remember him buy. I don't know why but, in that moment it felt like it was goodbye forever. I was sad and my heart ached a bit.

I did however regain contact after I was came home from the Marines. I broke the rule of rules and dated his male best friend. Not only that I moved in with him, moved away with him and let him for a time ruin our friendship. Once that relationship was over JRJ and wrote letters and when he was in Army Bootcamp he sent me a photo of him in his uniform. I got married while living in Texas. Once I moved back to California I saw him a handful of times. He met my husband and my oldest son (they share a birthday). He asked me if I was happy and I said I was. He was happy for me and I was sad he was single. After that I have only heard of how he was doing through his sister and now occasionally his girlfriend. I miss his friendship, his laugh and his long gone mullet.

Love and Friendship,

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Weekend Wrap Up

Birthday Party for a cousin

Unicorns were in high demand.

...as were sharks.

park fun with a new friend visiting from Austin.

It was almost like they had always been friends.

 

There was also mad amount of thrift shopping this weekend. There was lots of planting of edibles. Sunday was so amazing. I took Maggie with me to go and visit my friend Tanni, we had not seen each other in 19 years. It was like there was never gap in our being together. When I was in 10th grade, she was my best friend. She was an amazing non-judgemental feminist hippie. Oh wait...she still is. Never in my life have I had such an amazing girl friend. I am beyond ecstatic that we have connected again.  We will hang out again this week before she is Austin bound.

Life is good.

Peace and friendship.

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more rambling and bad grammar

some days i just had a bad hour or two. some days they are horrific. seriously, not sure why i have allowed my emotions to be so out there in my almost middle age.

i have had a lot of self doubt today. for some reason i feel like i just fail! fail as a wife, mother, daughter, friend and all around human being. my husband comes home a knit picks what is wrong or undone. my family criticizes my parenting and housekeeping. friends stay at arms distance. maybe i carry the loverly ordor or supreme failure. maybe the lack of degree on my crayon colored walls or the fact i don't conform to the wal-mart standards of society does it. my 2.5 kids has turned into five and they are unschooled, unsocialized and can be unruly. mostly, they are just like any other unbrainwashed kids.

i know i have chosen this life. the life of kids all day and all  night. the life of a domestic hippie and wife. but, you know i feel somehow punished for it, that seems unfair. my heart is so full of love that when it breaks...it shatters. i fall to pieces, and it comes it big waves. tears, words and emotions take me into the abyss and back above water rapidly. it can be hard for jimmy hearing my shakey tearful voice on the phone.  sometimes i feel like holding back the details of my thoughts with him because of his health. can you imagine if my lack of self esteem was his demise. one way or another he finds out how it all is in my head. but, we are very different souls tangled in love.

i am very blessed i have a friend i can turn to who has similar emotions and thoughts. helps make things clear and even has helped me see jimmys side on things. gotta say between the two i am still breathing and loving my world. bi-polar much? maybe, maybe not.

some days i think my kids hate me despite what i do for them. it's like nothing is good enough. just like with my husband and numerous relatives. wish i could snatch them up and live in a rv of sorts for a year. on the road traveling, learning, loving and living life.   being away from all that consumes and frustrates me. connecting again and remembering why i chose to make a family with kids who can misbehave and speak their minds. kids who go barefoot and eat food from the earth that we planted. kids who sing, dance, paint draw and make music. kids who read and write. kids who get dirty and say what they man and mean what they say. kids who wear tye dye with camo and fedoras with vans. kids who pick their noses and pull each other hair. kids who eat frozen grapes and carrots. kids who lay across me and ask me about the day they were born.

i also have chosen to stay married to someone with an on again off again drinking problem. someone who i am sure has some mental issues as it runs in his family. someone unsatisfied with life and who still carried the wrongs of his exes. someone who looks at me and sees all the things he dislikes in his own mother. someone who questions the things that matter to me the most. i have chosen this because i know he loves me still despite my eccentricities and all that consumes me. he protects me from those who come to harm me emotionally. sounds weird i know, sounds somehow abusive i know. but, it's not. and i am no angel. i can be physical when emotional. somehow hoping he'd leave and live a life that satisfies him. maybe have new wife, new kids with disney channel wardrobes. a house that looks likes his neighbors and chance for american normalcy. because, i want none of those things. he assures me, that is not what he needs....but, is it what he wants.

my life is colorful and fragile at times. i always kind of knew it would be this way. but, i never knew it would involve a family. just thought it would be me in a one room apartment with cats and maybe some fish. in my own thoughts laying upon a cold bed with books and music to feel my emptiness. riding a bike to get from here to there and living on nothing. taking warm showers to make me feel loved living in a place where i knew nobody.

it's funny because i can still feel empty, i can still feel my bed is cold but, i know i am loved. i leave near people i know. but, i am still at a distance from them. be it me or them...it's still there. then the sun will come out and life is wonderful. i have friends and family. i am smiling and in my head i think "how soon will this end?". life is a rainbow of emotions for me. my only hope is that my kids don't suffer the same way. that they can learn to love and accept love early on. that they can be happy in life with a little or a lot. that they can break the mold and not fall into mundane patterns of existing and not living....

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Lessons in a Bad Friendship

For this post I am supposed to write about one friendship that has changed me this year. What the friendship has changed my perspective this year. I am thinking perhaps this assignment was meant about something good but, I am going to write a "friendship" that was barely there that brought me into the light.

I had this one particular friend off and on since I was sixteen. She was shy in many ways but, in some ways assertive. Maybe the better word for her was passive aggressive. There have been periods of time when we were close, like sisters sometimes like more...almost like a couple. But, we never were a couple, just to be clear.

She has always been very emotional and sensitive about things. I hung around despite her ability to push people away when they would make her mad. Sometimes, people did not even know what they did "wrong". There have been a handful of times when she just stopped our friendship and it hurt like hell. I cried and sometimes became angry. One of these times I know it was because I favored her ex in the raising of their kids because, she was in a bad place. So, I understood her anger. But, kids need to be safe. I will leave it at that.

Every time she decided we could be friends again, I was there ready and willing. I was there to help her and her family. To take her back where we had left off in our friendship. Everytime, I would end up in tears, left feeling used and played. In my head I would hear her thinking, "I have no other friends so I will email "Button"."

Well, this last time we became "friends" again, I could feel a similar situation arising. But, in some ways I felt it may be different. Different in a good way. Like we could be friends like we were when she just had two littles ones and we would do things with our kids. When she asked me to care for her Autistic son one day, I was overjoyed. It reminded me when she asked me to care for daughter who had Leukemia when she was little. The honor to be trusted with that kind of care filled my heart. It's not easy to trust someone when your child has these types of needs.

I prepared for that day. Most kids with Autism have sensory needs to I planned a day of sensory play. Joaquin helped me think up activities he has always loved and pick out some music. It was a big thing because, Joaquin was feeling like he was going to be a teacher. So she cancelled on me because suddenly her husbands schedule was changed and well, truth be told he does not care for me. He has his reasons and it just baffles me. She should have been honest and I could tell she wasn't. My heart sank as did Joaquins.

I still extended my hand to her and she pulled away. She got wind her ex's wife has "spies" on her and well, since I was friends with said new wife for some times, I know she thinks it was me. This was insulting because, I am not working for the CIA. I don't spy on people, try not to gossip and have more important things to tend to. After she got wind of that she startin shutting me out and complaining to a mutual friend. I only know because, I asked this person what was going on with this other "friend".

In conclusion, I have learned that "friends" who are emotionally abusive are no longer worth my energy. "Friends" who play you like a yo-yo can not be trusted. I also learned from this "friend" if the husband is a bigot let it go.

I will add this year I have made old friends a new friend and my life is better for having them in my life. This all sounds very bitter and selfish I know, but my life is not just my own, my family has always been involved in these friendships. So, I am grateful for true friendship online and in real life.

Peace and Friendship.

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For #reverb10

Relationship Appreciation

Like I said in a previous post I have had a bittersweet year. I have also said previously that I had to let a friendship go. I was also ready to let my marriage go. So in all this I have learned to appreciate the relationships in my life, and the people behing those relationships. When I say relationships I mean all kinds, romantic, friendships, familial, and otherwise. Since being active on the internet I have also made several online relationships and have connected with some of those people in real life. Granted most are not people I see all the time but, I appreciate what they have brought to my life. So here I will list a few people whom this past year have become a very big part of my life in many ways and have touched my on different levels.

Jenn S.: I met Jenn on Livejournal I believe around 2003. Joaquin was still very little and soon after I became pregnant with Maggie. We read each others entries and talked occasionally on Yahoo. When Maggie was born, I got my first real glimpse of the kind of soul she was. Maggie was tiny and not fitting into anything we had for her, diapers and all. I had blogged about my frustration and how I was trying to remedy without going broke. Joaquin was still in diapers and Jimmy was working lots of hours and not making much. She sent me a message asking for my address. I thought I was getting a card. To my suprise a few days later there was a package and everything I needed for Maggie until she put on a few pounds. We still talked on yahoo, we talked on Myspace and Now we talk on Facebook and through Text. She has listened to me and I to her. There are so many parallels in our lives and I have to say I can not wait until we meet in real life. We jokingly said once we would wear cat lady sweaters. At that time we both had a cats as friends on Catster. Recently she dropped a lot of weight and sent me a package of clothes and hair flowers. Her generosity has given me reason to pay it forward to another online friend...Vanessa. I have to say Jenn, I love you and hope to see you soon. That way we can do what we have planned! :) P.S. She is newly engaged!

 

Vanessa C.: I think we met on Myspace. I friended her and not really sure why but, felt a connection. Before the birth of her son O. we actually talked on the phone once. She needed some adult conversation. I knew how she was feeling, home with the kids and such can leave you craving adult conversation. We have talked via messages on Myspace and now Facebook. We find out more about each other through blogging and I think if we lived closer to each other, we'd be really good friends. We could make vegan cupcakes, play the uke and wish we could play banjo like our husbands. We could swoon over Ira Glass and The Avett Brothers. We could talk about depression, moms and kids who draw on the walls. Wait, we could do that now but, it's better in person. We could drink fancy coffee and watch our girls put on makeup and talk about who like pink more. Maybe one day.

 

Heather M.: We were never really friends in school but, we knew who each other were. In finding her on Facebook( I sense a pattern), I have come to know her. She is a great woman of strength and love. Many of my heartaches have been hers as well. We are working on a project to tell the stories of woman and men who have been sexually abuses. Inspired by a song on Youtube. I would like to go geocaching with her and have her teach  me to crochet.

 

Jeremy M.: We knew each other in high school and once went on a date to a concert. He was shy and still very much is that eternal Charlie Brown. Since finding him again on Facebook (yep, there is a pattern) we have become great friends. He reminded me of who I was and brought out my creative spirit. I can't say for sure what I have brought into his life, but, know there is a connection. We usually meet once a month for coffee and talk. I look forward to those times. We have very similar in how we see people, relationships and the world and how music ties into that. My husband teases that we are music snobs and then he laughs. My kids like him and when he gifts a Nirvana set to my oldest, he really made his month. Made the guitar we got him small potato's, because it was something Jeremy had owned and our kids value when someone gives a gift that was once the gift givers rather than something new. Anyhow, I look forward to a lifelong friendship with Jeremy, he is a kind sould and a giving person.

 

Last but, not least Jimmy. My husband and bestest friend. We have been through a lot this year and it is a wonder we can look each other in the face. I guess, knowing that most would not be able to do that, means that love it the strongest root. Hearts can stray, words can be said and tears can be said but, that root is hard to dig out. It's tangled from the people who have been in our lives and knotted from the heartache. There are roots that have branched out from our kids and now one of them has there own kid. This year our leaved changed colors many times and sometimes the leaves fell to the ground earlier than expected. Yet, we remain hand in hand and look each other in the eyes. 16 years of friendship and almost 12 years of marriage and we are still working on things. I suppose anything good needs work, watering, nurturing and love to grow. Our friendship and marriage is no different. He is a great supporter of all my hair brained schemes and even at times gets pulled in to do some work on them. I sometimes feel selfish in what we have because, he puts me first and often does not allow me to consider him. He drives me crazy, I have to threaten physical harm to him to get him just to tell me what he wants! Maybe it was the way he was raised, I don't know. But, I like when he is happy. We have been creating and covering music together lately, I love that time together. Looking forward to many more of those times.

 

Looking forward to many more days and memories with all of you.

Love and Friendship,

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(for #reverb10)

Catching Up

Been busy. Thanksgiving, my laptop had a bad memory stick and going out with five kids and two other adults. AHHH! We have started our Christmas decorating and making a small list of what we want to give for gifts this year. I love this time of year. There have been a few bumps with things as of late. I talked with Jimmy and think that they will be smoothed out.

Unschooling is going well I think. Sometimes, I need some motivation and encouragement...so I go on YouTube. Check this out!

 

 

Here are a few photos from this week.

At the Mission Inn last night.

With Stan Lee and Miss Jazzy on Thanksgiving

Here is Waylon and Miss Shannon last night. She wants to steal him from us. He is a dollface, very cute and very articulate.

 

Be Blessed and Smile,

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