some days i just had a bad hour or two. some days they are horrific. seriously, not sure why i have allowed my emotions to be so out there in my almost middle age.
i have had a lot of self doubt today. for some reason i feel like i just fail! fail as a wife, mother, daughter, friend and all around human being. my husband comes home a knit picks what is wrong or undone. my family criticizes my parenting and housekeeping. friends stay at arms distance. maybe i carry the loverly ordor or supreme failure. maybe the lack of degree on my crayon colored walls or the fact i don't conform to the wal-mart standards of society does it. my 2.5 kids has turned into five and they are unschooled, unsocialized and can be unruly. mostly, they are just like any other unbrainwashed kids.
i know i have chosen this life. the life of kids all day and all night. the life of a domestic hippie and wife. but, you know i feel somehow punished for it, that seems unfair. my heart is so full of love that when it breaks...it shatters. i fall to pieces, and it comes it big waves. tears, words and emotions take me into the abyss and back above water rapidly. it can be hard for jimmy hearing my shakey tearful voice on the phone. sometimes i feel like holding back the details of my thoughts with him because of his health. can you imagine if my lack of self esteem was his demise. one way or another he finds out how it all is in my head. but, we are very different souls tangled in love.
i am very blessed i have a friend i can turn to who has similar emotions and thoughts. helps make things clear and even has helped me see jimmys side on things. gotta say between the two i am still breathing and loving my world. bi-polar much? maybe, maybe not.
some days i think my kids hate me despite what i do for them. it's like nothing is good enough. just like with my husband and numerous relatives. wish i could snatch them up and live in a rv of sorts for a year. on the road traveling, learning, loving and living life. being away from all that consumes and frustrates me. connecting again and remembering why i chose to make a family with kids who can misbehave and speak their minds. kids who go barefoot and eat food from the earth that we planted. kids who sing, dance, paint draw and make music. kids who read and write. kids who get dirty and say what they man and mean what they say. kids who wear tye dye with camo and fedoras with vans. kids who pick their noses and pull each other hair. kids who eat frozen grapes and carrots. kids who lay across me and ask me about the day they were born.
i also have chosen to stay married to someone with an on again off again drinking problem. someone who i am sure has some mental issues as it runs in his family. someone unsatisfied with life and who still carried the wrongs of his exes. someone who looks at me and sees all the things he dislikes in his own mother. someone who questions the things that matter to me the most. i have chosen this because i know he loves me still despite my eccentricities and all that consumes me. he protects me from those who come to harm me emotionally. sounds weird i know, sounds somehow abusive i know. but, it's not. and i am no angel. i can be physical when emotional. somehow hoping he'd leave and live a life that satisfies him. maybe have new wife, new kids with disney channel wardrobes. a house that looks likes his neighbors and chance for american normalcy. because, i want none of those things. he assures me, that is not what he needs....but, is it what he wants.
my life is colorful and fragile at times. i always kind of knew it would be this way. but, i never knew it would involve a family. just thought it would be me in a one room apartment with cats and maybe some fish. in my own thoughts laying upon a cold bed with books and music to feel my emptiness. riding a bike to get from here to there and living on nothing. taking warm showers to make me feel loved living in a place where i knew nobody.
it's funny because i can still feel empty, i can still feel my bed is cold but, i know i am loved. i leave near people i know. but, i am still at a distance from them. be it me or them...it's still there. then the sun will come out and life is wonderful. i have friends and family. i am smiling and in my head i think "how soon will this end?". life is a rainbow of emotions for me. my only hope is that my kids don't suffer the same way. that they can learn to love and accept love early on. that they can be happy in life with a little or a lot. that they can break the mold and not fall into mundane patterns of existing and not living....
button
Comments