Oh, What A Spectacle!

Kids Live Here

Yes, kids live in this house. Five kids, a dog and a husband with dirty workboots. I am in the process of getting back into all things housewifery. Here are a few pictures of what goes on here.

Click on photos and read some more.

Love and Living,

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Making Time for Grandma

Prompt: Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

 

One thing I should have done this year and have not done was visit my Grandma Carmen. She lives in a convalescent home and has all my life. I don't know much about her life before that but, do know how many memories I have of her in my life. I know she loves to laugh, crack jokes, eat good Mexican food and talk about her doctors who she find attractive. I know she does not care for her picture to be taken, but, will let you.

As she ages and becomes more dependant on her wheelchair she does not visit out of the home much. So, we see less of her. But, in reality there is no real excuse. You don't need a secret code to see her or come dressed in a uniform. She is just right there where she has always been. She is there probably wondering if we have all have forgotten about her and her contagious laughter.

I wish my scanner was hooked up and I had all my pictures our of storage. There are some of me when I was a toddler standing in front of her in her wheelchair. My mom and dad never were shy about taking me to see her. I grew up going into that home on many occasions and sitting and talking with her. Or just sitting as she watched TV or listened to music. I wish I had known her when she was younger, I wish I had more than one picture of her before she went into the home.

My grandma never did anything to push me away, so I don't know why I have not made time for her. It's not like she can get up and drive over here and see me. So I feel like a selfish brat for not going over the hill and saying hi, giving her a hug and letting her know I still love her. So before the end of the year I will go and see her...not sure how many more years she will have with us.

So go see your grandma's and grandpa's people.

 

Love and Grandmas,

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Healing

Today's Prompt: What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

Really this is crazy. What kind of question is this? I am still damaged but, on the mend. With some many things torn and shattered in my life...

I actually have found myself healing from late spring 'til now. My creativity was sparked by and old friend who came back into my life and

encouraged by my loving husband. Through writing and art abuse from my passed is healing. I would even say the scab has almost completly fallen off with little trace of a scar. This came on rather fast but, has had a drip by drip evolution into other parts of my life.

In 2011 I would like to be healed of my mental anguish. I have a lot of things going on in my head for things I have done in the past. People I would like to say sorry to, I have already begun that and will continue.

Peace and Healing,

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Heaviness of Body and Mind

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it? Good questions really.

Next year I would really like to try and get into an exercise routine. I need to do more daily exercise since I am mostly at home. I am dropping weight and I feel like my abdominal area will soon be down to my knees and that just seems so unsanitary and heavy. The weight of it and my breasts already give me some discomfort. The body needs more toning, stretching ad a few yoga poses just are not working right now. I found a few DVD's that I want to try. I did really well once with TaeBo. Those VHS tapes got worn out and died long ago.

Now only my mind. I need to exercise it more. I need to go back to reading a book a week. Not that I don't read now, I am on BBC and NPR daily. I read to my kids. But, I really want to read more of things I am interested in and some old classics. My mind struggles at times to be what it once was....

This year the one thing I wanted to try was to lose some weight. I lost about 35lbs. Losing the weight has been good for me. Another thing I wanted to try was to move off of Carson Street and I did that as well.

I hope I can accomplish my 2011 goals!

 

Love and Squishy Bellies,

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Lessons on Self

What lesson did I learn about myself this year? How will I apply said leson going forward? WOW! Where do I start?

 

This year I have learned that I have seriously neglected my health, and continue to do so. My physical health, mental health and my oral health. In my mind I always say, I will do this when the kids have this or this done. They need to be taken care of first. But, I have learned who will take of them if I am sick or worse, dead? Not that Jimmy would not but, mommas are important. It's been years since I have had a pap smear because, they feel like rape. I have not had a deep cleaning from the dentist since, I have no idea. I get crazy and talk to myself in the shower. Really, when I list all the odd things going on with me, I feel crazy and old.

So this next year I will take better care of myself. I will find a midwife who does lady visits and I will go to the dentist and take time to meditate and have some time with friends. Time with friends gets rid of my mental pain. If need be I will eat lots of black cherry ice cream.

 

Love and Health,

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Lessons in a Bad Friendship

For this post I am supposed to write about one friendship that has changed me this year. What the friendship has changed my perspective this year. I am thinking perhaps this assignment was meant about something good but, I am going to write a "friendship" that was barely there that brought me into the light.

I had this one particular friend off and on since I was sixteen. She was shy in many ways but, in some ways assertive. Maybe the better word for her was passive aggressive. There have been periods of time when we were close, like sisters sometimes like more...almost like a couple. But, we never were a couple, just to be clear.

She has always been very emotional and sensitive about things. I hung around despite her ability to push people away when they would make her mad. Sometimes, people did not even know what they did "wrong". There have been a handful of times when she just stopped our friendship and it hurt like hell. I cried and sometimes became angry. One of these times I know it was because I favored her ex in the raising of their kids because, she was in a bad place. So, I understood her anger. But, kids need to be safe. I will leave it at that.

Every time she decided we could be friends again, I was there ready and willing. I was there to help her and her family. To take her back where we had left off in our friendship. Everytime, I would end up in tears, left feeling used and played. In my head I would hear her thinking, "I have no other friends so I will email "Button"."

Well, this last time we became "friends" again, I could feel a similar situation arising. But, in some ways I felt it may be different. Different in a good way. Like we could be friends like we were when she just had two littles ones and we would do things with our kids. When she asked me to care for her Autistic son one day, I was overjoyed. It reminded me when she asked me to care for daughter who had Leukemia when she was little. The honor to be trusted with that kind of care filled my heart. It's not easy to trust someone when your child has these types of needs.

I prepared for that day. Most kids with Autism have sensory needs to I planned a day of sensory play. Joaquin helped me think up activities he has always loved and pick out some music. It was a big thing because, Joaquin was feeling like he was going to be a teacher. So she cancelled on me because suddenly her husbands schedule was changed and well, truth be told he does not care for me. He has his reasons and it just baffles me. She should have been honest and I could tell she wasn't. My heart sank as did Joaquins.

I still extended my hand to her and she pulled away. She got wind her ex's wife has "spies" on her and well, since I was friends with said new wife for some times, I know she thinks it was me. This was insulting because, I am not working for the CIA. I don't spy on people, try not to gossip and have more important things to tend to. After she got wind of that she startin shutting me out and complaining to a mutual friend. I only know because, I asked this person what was going on with this other "friend".

In conclusion, I have learned that "friends" who are emotionally abusive are no longer worth my energy. "Friends" who play you like a yo-yo can not be trusted. I also learned from this "friend" if the husband is a bigot let it go.

I will add this year I have made old friends a new friend and my life is better for having them in my life. This all sounds very bitter and selfish I know, but my life is not just my own, my family has always been involved in these friendships. So, I am grateful for true friendship online and in real life.

Peace and Friendship.

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For #reverb10

A Day with Maggie and Waylon

 

 

Click On Photos For Captions

 

Love and Fuzzy Blankets,

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Breathe and Remember

There are so many good memories from this year and some bad. But, if I was to lose my memory and only could grasp on to a few fragments from 2010 I would want to remember a few heartwarming things. Things that would keep a smile on my face and the beat in my heart. Give me five minutes...

Okay back. Memories I want to keep with me as fragments who I am are as folllows in no particular order.

 

 

When my husband started calling me Button. He as always said I have always been difficult but, rewarding. He actually has said I am the hardest button to button. The term comes from a song of the same title by The White Stripes. No, I don't like to be difficult or bratty but, I have never been an easy shell to break open.

 

 

Another great memory I have is getting out of our terrible situation at the apartment. So on April 20th we moved into our house. Yes, we are renting it but, it's still our home. We are more than blessed by it and love it so much. We moved in with hardly anything because of the situation but, have been blessed by others with things for our home to fill it with the things we have needed, beds, table with chairs, bookcases and more. Thank you all so much. And now we are filling it with memories and sharing those with our friends.

 

 

Next, I want to remember why I got my tattoos and what they mean to me. I have received a few this year and looking forward to more, and meaningful like the ones I have. I have to say I am want to remember how my husband was encouraging with this.

 

 

 

 

I also want to remember the understanding and forgiveness from my husband. We have been through a lot this year and he still stands by my side. Kicks me in the butt when I get crazy, pushes me along when I start to give up and catches me when I stumble. I do love you Jimmy Sherman from Longview, Texas. I love the Jimmy you were in 1994 and the Jimmy you are now.

 

 

I want to remember the people who have come back into my life, Jeremy M., Shannon S., Verby W....

 

Love and Memories,'

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(for #reverb10)

Relationship Appreciation

Like I said in a previous post I have had a bittersweet year. I have also said previously that I had to let a friendship go. I was also ready to let my marriage go. So in all this I have learned to appreciate the relationships in my life, and the people behing those relationships. When I say relationships I mean all kinds, romantic, friendships, familial, and otherwise. Since being active on the internet I have also made several online relationships and have connected with some of those people in real life. Granted most are not people I see all the time but, I appreciate what they have brought to my life. So here I will list a few people whom this past year have become a very big part of my life in many ways and have touched my on different levels.

Jenn S.: I met Jenn on Livejournal I believe around 2003. Joaquin was still very little and soon after I became pregnant with Maggie. We read each others entries and talked occasionally on Yahoo. When Maggie was born, I got my first real glimpse of the kind of soul she was. Maggie was tiny and not fitting into anything we had for her, diapers and all. I had blogged about my frustration and how I was trying to remedy without going broke. Joaquin was still in diapers and Jimmy was working lots of hours and not making much. She sent me a message asking for my address. I thought I was getting a card. To my suprise a few days later there was a package and everything I needed for Maggie until she put on a few pounds. We still talked on yahoo, we talked on Myspace and Now we talk on Facebook and through Text. She has listened to me and I to her. There are so many parallels in our lives and I have to say I can not wait until we meet in real life. We jokingly said once we would wear cat lady sweaters. At that time we both had a cats as friends on Catster. Recently she dropped a lot of weight and sent me a package of clothes and hair flowers. Her generosity has given me reason to pay it forward to another online friend...Vanessa. I have to say Jenn, I love you and hope to see you soon. That way we can do what we have planned! :) P.S. She is newly engaged!

 

Vanessa C.: I think we met on Myspace. I friended her and not really sure why but, felt a connection. Before the birth of her son O. we actually talked on the phone once. She needed some adult conversation. I knew how she was feeling, home with the kids and such can leave you craving adult conversation. We have talked via messages on Myspace and now Facebook. We find out more about each other through blogging and I think if we lived closer to each other, we'd be really good friends. We could make vegan cupcakes, play the uke and wish we could play banjo like our husbands. We could swoon over Ira Glass and The Avett Brothers. We could talk about depression, moms and kids who draw on the walls. Wait, we could do that now but, it's better in person. We could drink fancy coffee and watch our girls put on makeup and talk about who like pink more. Maybe one day.

 

Heather M.: We were never really friends in school but, we knew who each other were. In finding her on Facebook( I sense a pattern), I have come to know her. She is a great woman of strength and love. Many of my heartaches have been hers as well. We are working on a project to tell the stories of woman and men who have been sexually abuses. Inspired by a song on Youtube. I would like to go geocaching with her and have her teach  me to crochet.

 

Jeremy M.: We knew each other in high school and once went on a date to a concert. He was shy and still very much is that eternal Charlie Brown. Since finding him again on Facebook (yep, there is a pattern) we have become great friends. He reminded me of who I was and brought out my creative spirit. I can't say for sure what I have brought into his life, but, know there is a connection. We usually meet once a month for coffee and talk. I look forward to those times. We have very similar in how we see people, relationships and the world and how music ties into that. My husband teases that we are music snobs and then he laughs. My kids like him and when he gifts a Nirvana set to my oldest, he really made his month. Made the guitar we got him small potato's, because it was something Jeremy had owned and our kids value when someone gives a gift that was once the gift givers rather than something new. Anyhow, I look forward to a lifelong friendship with Jeremy, he is a kind sould and a giving person.

 

Last but, not least Jimmy. My husband and bestest friend. We have been through a lot this year and it is a wonder we can look each other in the face. I guess, knowing that most would not be able to do that, means that love it the strongest root. Hearts can stray, words can be said and tears can be said but, that root is hard to dig out. It's tangled from the people who have been in our lives and knotted from the heartache. There are roots that have branched out from our kids and now one of them has there own kid. This year our leaved changed colors many times and sometimes the leaves fell to the ground earlier than expected. Yet, we remain hand in hand and look each other in the eyes. 16 years of friendship and almost 12 years of marriage and we are still working on things. I suppose anything good needs work, watering, nurturing and love to grow. Our friendship and marriage is no different. He is a great supporter of all my hair brained schemes and even at times gets pulled in to do some work on them. I sometimes feel selfish in what we have because, he puts me first and often does not allow me to consider him. He drives me crazy, I have to threaten physical harm to him to get him just to tell me what he wants! Maybe it was the way he was raised, I don't know. But, I like when he is happy. We have been creating and covering music together lately, I love that time together. Looking forward to many more of those times.

 

Looking forward to many more days and memories with all of you.

Love and Friendship,

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(for #reverb10)

Self-Doubt and Writing

On and off I have written for the reader rather than myself. Often I would second guess the subject matter. When I did this I would either write something not really on my mind or heart or just not write at all. I doubt my abilities, the relevance and my grammar. It is widely known I am grammar sensitive. But, now I write to write and what is relevant and true to my life. Someone may or may not read it. Someone may or may not like it. Someone may or may not think badly or highly of me. That is no concern of mine anymore. This is my blog, my life, my feelings and as selfish as that sounds...my husband is behind me on everything I post, even at the expense of himself.

I leave you with this.

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." ~ Cyril Connolly

 

Peace and Keyboards,

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(for #reverb10)