Oh, What A Spectacle!

rediscovering a purpose

For awhile I lost sight of one of the things that gave me purpose...homemaking. Not not scrubbing toilets, dusting shelves or mundane cooking....making a house a home rather.I got so involved in other things since the move that we have been living in a "house" and not a "home". I am back on focusing on that.

I love homemaking, I love decorating and I love autumn.  So I am posting a few pictures from the past few days on a few Flickr Groups.

A home should be warm and lived in. There should be personality and realness. You should be able to feel everybody who lives in that home in it. So when my home is the way I want it there are toys on shelves, tableclothes on the dinner table and guitars randomly around the house. There is art here and there. Guitars, ukulele, dulcimers and djembe's left where they were last played. It's not just the look of a home I want, it's the feeling. When  people come in I want them to feel welcomed, and loved.

"The most important work you'll ever do will be within the walls of your own homes." ~Harold B. Lee

Where we love is home,
Home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.
~Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

Peace and Homemaking,

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Birthday and Music

  Yesterday, we celebrated Dexter's 11th birthday (10 days early). He put on a little show and I think it went pretty good. Before the party he rehearsed with Jimmy. Jimmy and I took over the microphone when they were done, we sang two songs.

The songs we like to sing the most are "Wagon Wheel" by Old Crowe Medicince Show and the Cat Power version of "Sea of Love". I love the emotions in both songs. "Wagon Wheel" is pretty fun and bluegrassy, and I can harmonize well to it. It's a great song and I love singing it while Hezekiah is on my hip so I can sway back and forth. It soothes him.

"Sea of Love" is my heartsong for Jimmy. I have blogged about that before. There are only four chords and repetitive lyrics, but that is all there needs to be. Sometimes simplicity means more than flowery words and hidden meanings.

The party started off slow. But, it was so much fun for Dexter that, that is all that mattered. He asked for hot dogs both plain and bacon wrapped so he got them. We had drinks, sides, chips and as always a pineapple.

When it was time for him to sing, we turned out the house lights and put on the Christmas lights and lit a couple candles. We wanted him to be comfortable and the atmosphere to be good. He was amazing and tried his best. He forgot some lyrics and his siblings were a big aggravating at time...yet, he shined. I could not be more proud of my almost 11 year old and his courage to do what he wanted. Next time to calm his jitters Jimmy and I will sing a few songs together...now that is scary.

We just want the best for our kids, and will scoot them a long the way even at the expense of our own humiliation...

Love and Guitar Strings,

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P.S. I used to have a good voice.

 

forgiveness

with all the things going on in my life, i have had to look real deep into myself. i know i have wronged many people in my life. there are three people and my husband whom i seek forgiveness from the most in my life. these are people who i feel i have wronged the most. i will list them here as a reminder...but, not give the reasons.

1. Stephanie LeAnne Sherman
2. James Francis Sherman
3. Christopher Allen Campbell
4. Jeremy Daniel Monroe

If you read this and are confused, please do not ask.

I know there are more people. These are the ones who haunt me.

 

Love and Forgiveness,

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Dear Jimmy: 16 years ago today

November 9, 1994

I remember it was beautiful out with Autumn leaves hanging on tree branches and painting the ground around base. The sun didn’t light the sky too brightly but it was enough to let us know it was morning. The air was brisk on my face and i could faintly see my breathe escape from my mouth when I would breathe or have small talk with a friend. Morning chow has already been consumed so we were lingering awaiting formation and work duties. It was like a grown up version of high school Saturday School.
I remember being called along with one or two other woman I had been in bootcamp with along with you and Russell. We climbed aboard a five-ton truck and sat in back only protected from the elements by what looked like a covered wagon canopy and our uniforms. In all my life I had never noticed anyone so much as I had noticed you. You’re eyes were bluer than the sky that now covers us. I heard you speak and your voiced touched me an a manner that I was not used to. My ears lingered on your words and mundane as they may have been. I couldn't resist and spoke “You’re eyes are so blue” Your responded “Like I haven’t heard that before.” You were sarcastic, manly and boyish all at the same time. Part of me sank but, most of me wanted the challenge.
Conversations began and a few nice words were exchanged. My mind wandered, where were you from? What was your life like before you ended up in North Carolina in the back of a five-ton with a girl like me. Then I wondered if I was even noticeable in my camouflage uniform and bootcamp issued glasses. My hair was short and my nose was big, I felt 12 and awkward for a moment. In my head I talked myself out of it and promised not to be introverted.
We continued on with conversations as the five-ton was driven from one base to another. Roads were windy and narrow at time. Straight and empty at sometimes. We ended up in a big empty cement parking lot with looked like abandoned barracks. It was our duty to clean them a bit and move to refrigerators. I thought “Is this what I joined the Marines for?” I didn't fuss I followed the line upstairs and set out on my business. Turns out it was just us girls doing it while the guys hung out outside having what looked like a jolly time. Did I even eat or drink anything that day? I can’t recall, I do recall hoping you would walk into a room I was in, maybe we could talk.
On the ride back to Camp Johnson we all talked, but I was like a movie. All the background noise was muffled and I lingered on your words....

Love,

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break

it is hard for me to accept jimmy and i will being separating, taking a break. things were getting pretty crazy. he is a good guy and i do love him so much. he was becoming very suspicious of things and that is hard to take. he was lashing out more and more at two of the kids. it was becoming more than i could take. his drinking was becoming bad, again. he needs to work on himself as i need to work on myself. i am not without any blame.i still have feelings of love for my friend, but i know we will remain just friends, and accept that. i have a lot of baggage from my past, and need to work on that.

i know if we never rejoin as one again, i am going to lose a lot of people. because, people are judgmental and will think i was having some salacious love affair. which is not true. but, i really should not care about that. i care about my kids and their well being, i care about jimmy's happiness.

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weekend

this was a pretty good weekend, overall. the house is more organized now and i am happy about that. slowly but, surely it has started to become more of a home. i think it's just the little things here and there that make it that way. a guitar in the corner, a picture of the wall, records on the shelf and dinosaurs in the bath tub.

we had a good friend over on saturday. there were lots of laughs, drinks and good conversation. it was nice to have someone over that was good with the kids, and did not see them as an distraction. often times people get irritated when kids want to join in conversation or show them something they have learned. it was fun and relaxed for all. hez has taken to our friend in a way i had not expected, but, honestly it was nice.

today was mellow and i did some cleaning and moving of furniture. that is all that has really gone on.oh i did make two pretty good meals this weekend. i love making food that does not come from a box. this week i have to get ready for dexter's party on saturday, oh and i have a MRI on wednesday. can i skip wednesday, maybe I can call in sick and sleep through to thursday.

that is really all i have to say.

love and blessings,

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How in the world?

I have been reading through various blogs of plus size women. What I would like to know is how they became so confident with themselves? This is just an amazing concept to me. Okay, I don't want to stay the size I am however, I think if I could gain some confidence, I could lose some more weight. I don't want to be stick thin by any means. I like having curves and just would like them to be in the right places.

Also, I want to dress nicely. Not nice in a way that makes others around me comfortable, but, in a way that makes me feel good. Well, after reading one blog I decided I could kill two birds with one stone. So, I am taking full length pictures daily and making sure I do dress in a way I like. This also, give me an opportunity to see what I look like, I mean my bathroom mirror is not full length. I have also joined a Flickr Group that other women over a size 12 are in and post their full length pictures.

I am also working hard on my inside. Often times I feel ugly on the inside. There is so much going on some days it just wears me out. My insides feel like they are fraying. When I wake up I spend some time in silent prayer and meditation. Some days this is a short time, some days it is a longer time. When I get all my bloodwork and my MRI, I hope most of my worries with disappear. Not knowing why certain things are happening to me physically is harrowing, and irritating. Wonder why I can not be in control of such things? Anyone have any answers?

Playing with makeup has been fun for me. But, a made up face can not hide what is really there.

Love,

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Randomness

So winter is approaching and it feel like late spring. I am longing for the days of cold weather and moist heat pressed up against the windows of the house. Fall and winter bring so many good memories and such good food. This winter I am hoping for the same. I want some good times and good food with those I care about and love. Family and a few friends is what I love and care about right now. People who love and care about me as I am, because I love and care about them the way they are.

my fall and winter plans are to give people that i love and respect, what is due to them. i want to give them love and respect in a genuine way. i am not quite sure how to explain that, it's just what i want to do. i have been blessed so much in my life, and looking back i often took those blessings for granted. so i am on a quest to be a more loving and giving person.

love and blessings,

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Makeup and such

So I decided I need to wear makeup. I have blotching skin thanks to hormones and a bruise thanks to a flying hot wheel via Hezekiah. So today was my first go at it. Not sure how I look, Jimmy says I looked nice. Jimmy also said he would have to get used to my lips being a color other than skin. I took this picture right after I had finished applying it. From what I was reading I should check and repply as needed, so I will have to make sure I do that.

So far I have only spent a small amount buying one of those holiday gift sets. I know there is better quality stuff out there, just did not want to spend the money if I was going to give up on it. Being that I have five kids to tend to, means sometimes, most of the times I come last. It just occurred to me I look mad, I actually needed to sneeze. This photo has not been retouched, there is always good light in the morning in my bathroom.

Doing things like this makes me feel selfish and shallow. But, I would like to look nice for my husband, maybe he will take me out more. I would also like not not look old. Yes, 34 is not really old but, some days I feel like I look old and haggard.  Often times I wonder if this is why people in my family steer clear of me as much as possible. Maybe I should not worry and just go on with life. Who knows anymore?

I had a breakdown and was mean to Jimmy over some dumb stuff. As always he is the better person than I am. Some days are more frustrating than others. In time, all in time is what I tell myself. I guess little things only bother selfish self-centered people, and that is what I have become from what I have been told.

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Bikes and Such