so many times in my marriage i have wanted to leave or have jimmy leave for one reason or another. we have drifted apart and back together several times. for years i felt neglected and hated. i felt unloved and around amusement and sex. i am hearing this was all untrue and still is. i am ready to walk out of the door and be that terrible single mom of five kids. you know that mom who walks everywhere, has a part-time job and wakes up lonely. this is in no way ideal. i know what people will say and think. i know we look on the outside, and we have tried off and on really hard to keep it together. we have grown in different directions in my opinion. we have both done some not not nice things to each other. we have both closed each other off at points, some lastly years.
at one point i fell into a really bad depression and instead of being pulled out gently i was left to saosk in it. i was left to feel worse because, i could not pull myself out, the quicksand of depression is a hard thing to navigate alone. he was rather mean and harsh, probably scared. his mom has mental problems and i am not sure he was ready for mine.
he has battled a drinking problem since before we became one. i thought my love would be enough to heal his wounds. it never has been. but, coming from a family of addicts i know it has to be something he wants to do, for himself. not for me, not for the kids...for himself. there were times he would pass out midweek on the floor in a pool of his own vomit. my tears can only clean up so much. he has it under control now, but, like before i am leary of how long the control will last. if it's fleeting.
I've in no way been perfect. at some point i closed myself off and became who i thought he wanted. this ultra conservative housewife. i thought he wanted tons of kids, and a house filled with laughter and misplaced fingerprints. sometimes, i am not so sure anymore. he complain a lot about little things, i know a neat and orderly house is grand, but five kids live here. five kids who unschool and are rather artsy. kids with special needs. i think a few years back i lost who i was. i could not see me beneath everything else that was existing.
there have been times when words were barely spoken and kisses were tight lipped. times when sex was one sided and love making was never around. i can't remember how many years passed where i just laid there and looked at the ceiling waiting for it to end. not that it was bad, i just was not there, and either were the orgasms for me. i was shut off entirely and broken.
i stopped doing anything for so long. i rarly did housework, made dinner and all that being a housewife entails. i stopped caring about life, my life. yet, i never did what i had wanted because i love my kids so damn much.
at this point i am willing to work on what we have. i am unsure of the outcome. i do love him, but i am not sure if it's enough. he is working on changing and i have been coming a new person as well.
today jimmy took the kids to the park. he told them that we both love them and we will always be there for them, just maybe not together. that is beyond heartbreaking. because if i do leave, i don't want to get tied into one of those things where mom and dad can not be in the same place at the same time. that is a bunch of bullshit. but, that would depend on us, and any future partners if we ever had any.
thoughts and tears
button
p.s. i hate how i feel and how i make people feel....
Comments