Oh, What A Spectacle!

Holler....suck!

No real one subject to blog about today. Today is what my son Waylon calls "Hollerween". This by far has been the saddest for me as a parent. Luckily though the kids have had some costumes for awhile that they have been playing in or they would have been in regular street clothes.

We originally were supposed to have a big party, that we had to cancel. See, Jimmy had to go on disability for high blood pressure and depression/anxiety. His workmens comp. insurance is supposed to pay the first eight days of disability, they denied him. Why you ask? Because, they will only pay five days without a psychiatrist visit, because I guess a regular MD makes that crap up. Can you feel the sarcasm? So when he got paid Friday, after we paid our bill to Rent-A-Center we were left with just about one hundred dollars for gas and groceries for two weeks. Oh how lovely. Well, now he has to drive to Beaumont everyday for work, so he had to withdraw money from his 401k (about a hundred) so we can hopefully eat and he can drive to work. Now, he has only three days worth of medication left on his anti-depressant....that is scary to us both. Who knows how he will react?

Now, what in tar-hill what will we do about the lack of food? Eat Ramen for two weeks, nope too much sodium for Jimmy. So now, should we spend $15 dollars on Jimmy's meds or get that much in beans and rice. Oh and before you ask, we make too much of any  kind of assistance. The food banks here want both adults present and have both id's. Also, lack of funds means I can't go to Corona for my MRI. I am praying that God will have the state pay disability. We still have to pay rent, gas and other things. At times like these I wish I had a job and still had my savings account.  Such is life I suppose, good thing is...the kids did not complain despite the disappointment we saw in a few of their faces.

Love and Candy Corn,

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P.S. Don't knock on my door I have no candy for you.

 

New Hair Do

  For many, many decades I have had a love/hate relationship with my hair. Once the hormones of puberty my straight black hair slowly became wavy. It was hard to manage and I was often lazy with it when it was long. Short hair has been easier for me at certain times. Long hair gave me something to hide behind for many years.

Not too long ago I had my husband cut off about a foot of my loverly dreadlocks. It was a moment of symbolic insanity. He was resistant at first but, he did it. I told him just to go for it, not to have any rhyme or reason for where he cut. I think he was more upset than I was. The end result was a cute messy hair cut. I still have pieces of the dreads to condition out.

When all my baby dreads were gone, my hair was uneven, and I actually liked it. My hair is now curly and it was easy to manage just brush lightly after a shower, put on a hat or bow, and "fluff" my hair a bit.

Well, today I asked Jimmy to even my hair out. He pulled one of my many pairs of scissors out of my "bag of tricks" and went to work. He is very meticulous and always does a good job with my hair. I am amazed every time he does something with it. Once he gave me highlights and when I went for a perm (my hair was 1/2 curly 1/2 straight so shhhh) the lady asked who did them, she wanted to hire him, he was a cable guy at the time. Isn't that funny? Anyhow, here is my new hair and I love it. My face has thinned out enough to wear it shorter and not look so bad.

Love and Hairbows,

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Loving

It is hard for me to face life loving two people. Although, I have been reassured both people often that the heart is a tricky thing, I still feel badly. How can one persons heart be so big and how can one person such as myself be cared for so much. Often time I look back at my past and see all the mistakes I have made, and wonder who would love such a tainted soul.

In my younger days as an adult I was all over the place. I spent some time living as a lesbian and more time living as a bisexual. There was a stint of time when I had sex with just about anyone who made an effort to do so. After, a series of assaults I figured it was best not to say no. It was rare that it was something I actually wanted to do with a particular person.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties I hurt a lot of people. There were few I had actually cared for so, instead of tearing them to pieces I played it off rather badly. One of the things I did was just pushed people away by being mean or just ignoring them. So, now two of those people are in my life now and I love them both, and to have them care for me so...it's overwhelming. My heart aches at the predicament.

Falling in love is beautiful. It's when you you hit the ground and realize what all comes with it, is when it gets ugly. Hearts can break, shatter, fracture or be toarn. I wish there was a way to stitch mine up and mend the hearts of those who have loved me. Loving me is not easy, I know this. I am stubborn, difficult, flighty at times, emotional, mean, sweet, irritating and often times lazy. Wonder what keeps people in my life.

Love,

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8th grade flashbacks

I find it interesting what people remember of me. When I say people I mean people from school, high school, junior high and what not. I remember quite a bit because, I have a pretty amazing long term memory, if I had not eaten Subway last night...I would know what I had for dinner. As time goes on I draw blanks on simple things, like did I start the laundry? Did I say goodbye when I hung up the phone? Did I throw the diaper in the trash? Did I just go pee? Really, this is all rather frustrating.

Back to old school memories and events. One guy I went to school with remembers dancing with me at our eighth graduation dance. What he remembers startles me...I apparently danced too close for this shy boy. I had no clue, I just knew I danced with whom I thought I was the smartest boy in school. I was jazzed he would say yes to a dance. See I had gone to every dance in junior high, except one when I was in the hospital and never danced with a boy. NOT ONCE! I always danced with my friends, I was nerd with a passion for thrift shop clothes and weird hats. So, at this dance I had come to expect it would be the same, but my friend Miranda basically dared me to asked boys to dance. I thought it was rather funny because she came off shy, I don't think she really was. So I decided that I would ask who I thought were some of the smartest boys, whom I thought were rather attractive back then. So my surprise every one of them said yes. I was so nervous and felt awkward. I thought to myself, "How does one actually slow dance?" I know I was not looking to recreate dirty dancing, just a simple dance where our bodies were 1/2 a football field away from each other. He remembers something different.

I think maybe too shy people dancing, is a funny thing. What do we know about anything in eighth grade? What do we know about the opposite sex?  Nothing if you ask me. Most of the guys I knew well or were friends with were into easy girls. Even, in junior high. This amazes me, I was too shy to hold anyones hand, let alone be easy. You could say I was a prude, even up into high school I was one.

Eigth grade brings back so many other memories. It was the year I had to make new friends. Most of my friends had gone on to high school. It was the year my acne finally cleared up, the year I did not get new glasses and had to wear a paperclip in my frames to keep them together. It was the year I was asked to leave band because my mom was too busy to take me to events. It was the year I wanted to give up on anything that seemed important to me. It was the year mom and my step-dad were on such a slippery slope I was unsure of many things. Eighth grade had few good memories....the eighth grade dance was one of them.

Peace and Memories,

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Random

Well, we took Hezekiah for a hearing test today and his hearing in within normal range. I am relieved that his hearing is not an issue and perhaps it's just processing. I think he just was not ready to speak, maybe just holding out so he can say words like "beyond" or "ecstatic". This is mommas wishful thinking, after all, Joaquin did not speak until he was three and this first thing he said was "Are we gonna watch CSI?" My heart does break a bit because, he has yet to say "I love you" or sign it. There will be a day when that comes, I am sure of it.

I posted some pictures on facebook from an old yearbook. There are some comments I was not expecting, like a boy from school remembering we had danced together. Not only did this boy remember that but, he remembered I danced close and made him a bit uncomfortable. WOW! What do you say to that. I was such a prude in school and had no intention on leading anyone on, or making anyone feel weird. Geez!

I am hoping tomorrow is far less busy so I can make some squash, apple, leek soup and some bread. If it is overly busy I will just make it Wednesday. This is the time of year when homemade soups and breads are most lovely. I love having my home smelling of sweet and savory aromas.

Peace and Blessings,

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Beers, Lattes, Movies and stuff

I went out with a friend last night. We had fun, we hit a brewery and sampled some tasty beers. The place was pretty cool, it is in an airplane hanger. There were kegs sitting around for people to sit on and you could smell the yeast everywhere. One thing I liked was that there were many age groups represented there. It has been my experience in the past it is just one or another. Having a good mix is always nice.

We left and went and had some latte's and visited at the coffee shop for awhile. It was a nice cool fall night. it was a bit misty and we headed over to see a documentary that was not playing. We settled on "Hereafter", and it was too slow for that late. I ended up snoozing a bit. I am such an old woman.

I came home to Jimmy waiting up for me, and so was Maggie. It is always nice when I do go out to come home to smiling faces. Although, I could tell Jimmy was a bit hurt. This is why often when I make plans I back out of them. I think we got used to just being each others everything, and when one of us does something outside of us, it can be traumatizing....or just shy of it.

Things with us I thought were going good, and I am wondering how much of that is in my head. I was told I need to look outside the window. To me it makes sense and it does not.  For years I was told not to worry about what other think of me and now I am being told to look in like a stranger.

Sometimes being alone seems like the best option....

oh the rain

beats down on and off all day long. fall is in full force here in southern california. i love the smell of the rain and the sound of it beating on the metal garden chairs by the window. i have been soup and bread-making for a couple days and the smells coming from the kitchen are amazing. coming out of a depression awakens the senses, and this is the time of the year for that. fall and winter have always been good to me. while others get down with less sunshine and warm, i get better. at least i think so.

i am going to make an effort to cook from scratch for at least one meal a day. boxes of cereal and macaroni and cheese have made this momma lazy.

it has been nice having jimmy home, although last week was rough with moods and adjustments. it was be bittersweet sending him back to work next week. we have liked having him home but, we know he likes work. he is not a lazy man and i think time away from the chaos will be good for him.perhaps coming home to a hot dinner will brighten his mood.

peace and rain

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Craftyness and such

Last night I went over to see Renate and Pam. They were making hair-bows and and I cut up some shirts for Renate. It was fun with hot glue gun and scissors flying around. Ok maybe not flying but they were use in full force. It was fun for the most part.

Afterwords, they came over here and hung out. It was funny and Renate kept referring to Jeremy as my flirty friend. That got Jimmy going and he was laughing. He was laughing hard and said from now on that is how he is going to refer to him. How nice. Thanks Renate!

I have been feeling really good for the most part. In my mind I firmly believe that the meditation workshop has changed me. Why do I care what others think of me, that is their issue....not mine!

This weather is awesome, oh how I love cold weather! Cold weather will you marry me and kiss me with rain? Never hurts to ask.

Last night while I was at Renate and Pam's, Jimmy purchased me the song "Stairway to Heaven" on Zune. What a sweetie, he knows I love the song and he knows what it means to me. I have the best husband and I can see his change. There is not much left to desire. I have a great husband, a great best friend, great kids....all who love me! How did I get so lucky? Oh yes, I love them, too!

Peace and Blessings,

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P.S. I love cooking and baking in the cold weather.

"Math Debating" and Depression

 

When I was in my big depression I was not really into sex. I mean Jimmy and I had sex, but my mind was no present. There I would lay and look at the popcorn on the ceiling. Real fun. I was so fat I could not orgasm and really did not want to because it would involve  me being present in that moment. After some time Jimmy and I began to sleep separately. I would stay up and look at ebay, watch tv or watch Joaquin stay up two nights in a row. Life was not very happy, I was sinking. My boy did not say I love you to his momma, my daughter who was two years his junior was passing him up. Jimmy worked countless hours of overtime and I had stopped leaving the house. Reading up occasionally to see how I could help myself just pissed me off. I did not want to run, go for a walk or meet new people. I did not want to lay in the sun or do step=aerobics and i did not want pills.

Laziness led me to masturbate. Why not? It releases endorphins and makes you smile when you orgasm. I read all these studies that masturbating can cause depression, well fuck that unless you do it all day long. Masturbating helped me get out of my ugly and even brought back my desire for actual love making. I would lay on my couch early in the morning, before the sun came up and would think of good times. Great experiences and let my fingers do the walking so to speak. After a time the act became more than a routine, it became a way for me to heal myself in a way. My depression was so bad I was disassociated with even smell and taste, it came back. It relieved my stress and brought a smile even if for a moment.

This is just my experience.

 

Love and Debating,

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Sunday

was date day for me and Jimmy. the day started off craptastic but ended well. i have to say i think the shorter days make me in a better mood.

we went to have lunch, thrifting and to the movies. it was pretty great. i think the thing we need to figure out the most is that yes, we are still married but, we are dating. so it has been rough not having all the privileges of a marriage. meaning...no rings, no sex. so i am going to throw myself into creative ventures.

the workshop on saturday has changed me!

Peace and Love,

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