Jimmy alwasy reassures me that the woman I am becoming is a woman he is falling more in love with. He says my change is good, that it looks good on me. The other day he said that I looke more beautiful, more sexy and more self confidant than ever. You know what that does to a young girl of 34? It makes her fell so good, and makes her know she is loved for who she is becoming and who she is at that moment. There has been a lot of change in me latly, more than I can even imagine one person going through over decades has happened to me in mere months. Although, the change is somewhat terrifying is has been beautifying.
Today there was a knock on my door and there stood a lady with a vase full of beautiful flowers in various shades of purple. Daisies, carnations and some other small flower. The note in the card brought me to tears. I almost hugged the delivery girl. How is it that someone could love me so much? I know I can love a lot, and give a lot of love; but, I have never been good a recieving love. I really can not pinpoint why that is. My self worth has always been low. I recall in high school I had a boyfriend. He was about two years my junior. One day he rode the bus home to meet my mom and when I told her, as he stood in the door way she laughed. "Anita, you know you don't have a boyfriend. You don't present yourself well." Much to her surprise there was the guy. It was fleeting, he was a jerk and was dumped two days later when he talked about my moms hotness level. Maybe it's things like that no clue. But, I am learning to accept the love that is given to me. So bare with me if I question your love.
Today was day one, week one of a six week yoga bootcamp I signed up for. It was challenging on so many levels. I was challenged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I originally singed up so I can become more fit, but I think I am already getting more. I had sweat the peace sign on the back of shirt onto my yoga mat, that was amazing. It was so hot from all of us I had to take my glasses off so I could see. This is one of those things I have been wanting and needing to do for the better part of seven years. Here I am stepping out and learning to be a better me.
At the end of class we had a period of what I would call meditation and relaxation. We laid on our backs, with a lavender pillow across our eyes. I had a bolster under my legs because my tailbone is wacky. We laid there with the sweet sounds of music in the background and the instructor speaking softly and fluidly about change, about thinking of how we see ourselves caring for ourselves. She talked about how as woman we are always nurturing others and how do we nurture ourselves? So we were told to think about that. I was so relaxed I could feel the heaviness take over my body, I cried a bit to clear my mind..and let the thoughts sink in....slowly.
I saw a much thinner, younger version of me. I had long black hair and was running into the brightness of the sun. I was in a field of sunflowers. That version of me was calling to the me I am now. She was hearkening me to follow her as she ran freely. I tried catching up with her and she laughed and spun in circles as she played with bubbles and ran for a bit with a brightly colored kite following her.
Then my mind went back to North Carolina and the Atlantic Ocean. I was surfing the cold salt water waves in February like I once had. I was string and paddled against the current. I keep paddling and as the waves became stronger and more vicious I kept at it. In my mind I had wanted to stop and ride the waves in, but I didn't. I paddled the strong and monstrous waves until I came to a body of water that was peaceful. I turned and looked behind me at the roaring mess, and sat straddling a yellow board and watched the waves until the subsided and I dove deep into the ocean.
This is my season of change, I know there are people who love me and whom I love. I hope as I blossom into the me I was always meant to be, nobody burderns the feeling of hurt.
Much Love and Peace,
Button
My name is Anita and my heart is consumed by two.
Comments