Oh, What A Spectacle!

crappy crap crap crapperson

Well, I started my thyroid meds today.I really could have gone without doing so. I felt pretty good until lunch time. My mood was kind of bleh, and then it went to crap. I suddenly was tired and fell asleep. I woke up and the movie I had been watching had some kid cutting himself. Not that day to deal with any of those emotions.

I felt kind of bullied and cornered about taking the pills. Since my thyroid is not severely underact ive, I am sure diet change could help. Maybe I am being melodramatic, I don't know. So I have this damned headache all afternoon.  Part of me wanted to stay home all evening under my blanket and sleep. I had promised Dexter I would take him to youth and had made plans to visit my best friend.

My headache was crap, my mood was crap and my evening turned to crap. I am sure I made people feel crappy because I felt crappy, and for that I feel even more like crap. The vist with my friend never happened and yes, I was a bit upset. But, these things happen in life...yet, I am an emotional whore and got upset. My blood sugar was low because, I had only eaten 1/2 a cup of macaroni and cheese today. Jimmy told me to get food, so I went to the crappiest subway known to man. Hard avocados, wilted and browned lettuce ugh, but I still paid for my food.

On my way home I got a response from a text that made me feel more crappy, because that person felt crappy. So I had some tears going for that and then some more because I started thinking about other things. Thinking about my 35 year old  husband on blood pressure medicine, and how I must be killing him. How people can worry and ache over me and I am so not worth the crap on the floor of a public rest stops floor.

Can I have a do over? Please!

Crap! Do overs are for video games!

 

Crap and 1000 Sheet Rolls,

Button

 

Interesting Fact about me: I like to buy eco-friendly toilet paper

bad laptops and pills

So less than a week ago my husband, Jimmy bought me a laptop so I could continue with my writing. Well, it went to internal error hell. All I have to say is "Thank God for Google Documents!" If it wasn't for that I would be in a writing slump shedding fruitless tears over lost writings. I could see me with my Sylvia Plath pose, head in the oven crying, screaming kids while my husband was at work. Ok maybe not that bad, but close.

I jokingly told my friend Jeremy I could use the broken laptop as a footrest. I was not to happy. I must have called Jimmy a dozen or more times. I was really upset because, I had ideas of things to write and wanted to do so. Well, now I can say "Hello Dummy! Paper and pen, old school that shit next time." But, I was consumed with the loss of an electronic device and wasn't thinking straight. Glad that is over. (Oh Jimmy said I could use his but, that's not the same.)

Jimmy and myself went to the doctors today. He has a new blood pressure medication. Oh the joys, he is way too young for all that nonsense. Nothing a little herbal remedy can't fix, along with some exercise and diet change. Now me, I am on thyroid meds. When the doctor told me that, I was thought to myself "Is it downhill from here? Is this what getting old is like?" I have always considered myself healthy fat and now this. Oh and now my left breast is giving me pain. More than likely it's not cancer since my white cells are good. So what gives? Maybe hormones or something wacky. But, I have sought out some alternative treatments for pain other than motrin and tylenol, I'd like to keep my kidney's healthy thank you. Just in case you wanted to know, I hate pills. I really hate pills.

That is all today.

Peace and Pills,

Button

 

random fact: i apparently sleep text

Hezekiah Turns 2

 

  Oh my baby Hezzie is an amazing creature. He was born on a hot fall day in 2008. I labored at home for a few days. Honestly, he was supposed to be born at home. We had everything we needed, down to a specially braided string to tie of his umbilical chord. My refuge and comfort was my husband. I sat and soothed my aching womb for many hours in a papasan chair , our couch and the shower/bath.

They day he was born my mom had our older kids. She was serioulsy stressed out about the kids being traumaztized by seeing me give birth.  So Jimmy and I had a lot of time in the quiet, time with music and time watching X-Files. I watched all the seasons of that show and both movies at the end of my pregnancy. We walked a lot and I used my breathing from yoga to curb the pain.

For quite some time Jimmy and I walked the perimeter of the common area of our apartment complex. We also went to walk in our favorite local thrift shop.

After we had a late lunch the pressure was getting more and more intense. The contractions were stronger and I knew I was getting close. We had lovely neighbors at the time. A young couple hooked on meth and alchol. They were prone to fighting and using colorful words. He was prone to smacking her around and she liked to yell loudly. They were nice people. At one point they were fighting in the stairwell we shared and it was loud ! Their voices carried through the walls and into my home. I was coming undone. I remember yelling at Jimmy "I am going to knock them the fuck down the stairs! Tell them to shut the fuck up!" Yes, I know one of my finer more graceful moments.

They continued fighting and we decided that we should go to the hospital in Banning. I agreed because I was aboout teo push two meth heads down a stairwell and try to breastfeed a newborn through a plexiglass window. I don't think that would have went well.  When we were leaving the nice young couple shouted  "I thought you were having your baby at home!" I may have shouted something like "Fuck you!" or something else beautiful.

The van ride through the canyon was quiet and long. Well, not any longer than normal but, it was quite and I was getting uncomfortable in the position I was sitting in. I wanted to lay on my side with a pillow between my legs.

We got to the hospital and checked in. I was already at a 7....so close! My labor intensified. I was having hot flashed like my grandpa used to. Mom and Jimmy tried to cool my face down and I almost came completely undone. "DON'T TOUCH MY FACE!  I can't breathe when you do that!"

I was at a 10 in no time. The doctor came and finished breaking my waters. Hezzie came out and life has never been the same.

He has grown so much. He excels in some areas and in behind  some. He is getting hold with his speech.  He has this beautiful strawberry blond hair and big brown eyes. He uses several signs and likes to howl like a dog. When daddy is home he loves to follow him around.  He likes to mix things and dance. He likes drums and ukulele's. He likes to sort things and color things. He is a beautiful, colorful and imaginative little boy. If he happens to be our last I would not be disappointed. He is just so amazing.

I only pray and hope for good things in his life...

Momma Loves You, Hezekiah Vincent-Rios S.

38DD

That is my bra size. Although I am sure the right one is more a C/D because my kids have preferred to nurse on the left. I have grown to love them the way they are. They have nourished my babies and have been a source of pleasure for my husband.

For sometime I have had some pain in my right breast and right armpit. At times it feels like someone is sticking a needle through my nipple down into my chest cavity. Which is always a wonderful feeling. I am considering medical marijuana seriously. Motrin is crap and bad for my kidney's.

I was going to not do my bloodwork or get my ultrasound. But, Jimmy was getting upset and it literally made him sick. He is now on blood pressure and anxiety meds (also, other things such as kids with medical problems). So with him being sick and my best friend Jeremy explaining how Jimmy was probably feeling, I decided to go ahead with it.

My appointment was scheduled on October 18th, called today and   be going on Sunday. Now the nerves and the paranoia set in. The doctor had said in her opinion that the lumps seem to deep and hard to be cysts....so what pops in my head....cancer. GAH! The other day I was having a facebook conversation with Jimmy's ex-wife and she mentioned maybe calcified milk in a duct. I would prefer the latter. It would ideally like it to be nothing at all.

Now back to your regulalrly scheduled program.....

 

song of the day.

 

 

Interesting fact about me:  I like collecting Pyrex!

Breaking Free and Being At Peace

  My newest tattoo is now finished. It symbolizes more than I can convey about my life. For 34 years I have been afraid of who I am deep inside. Although, I am not ready to shout certain things from roof tops or pay a million dollars for a Super Bowl  ad to say it all, I am no longer afraid. I have peace (dove with olive branch) and I am shattering the windows I have been looking through (stained glass peices).  I am free to be who I am and am soaring (the clouds).

In my life I have few people who know a lot if intimate details of my life. My husband is my best supporter and encourager. If it was not for him I would just be so lost. In some aspects I was a lost soul searching for someone just as lost when I found him. Although, we were lost in different areas of our lives at the time, I think God brought us together. It may not have been the best situation when we first met. He was married and had a child. We were long time friends before we ever really committed (me moving to North Carolina with him.).

My husband encourages me not to be afraid of who I am. He tells me that I am a perfect me.  What else could a girl want from a man? He cares for me, worries for me and at times gets mad at me. We have had our hard time and we have had great times. He encourages me with peace and understanding. I have to say he is the one true blessing in my life.
One tidbit about me:  When Jimmy and I first became friends and lovers I tried pushing him away. I was afraid that nobody could really love me.

 

Peace and Love,

Button

New Blog: 34 THINGS FOR 34 YEARS

Inspired by my online friend Vanessa at Iced Latte's and Ukelele's, I decided to start a new blog for a new chapter in my life. I really hope 34 isn't too old to accept who I have always been and who I have become. Even though for most of my life I have lived outside to box, there are certain things I have kept to myself, my husband and select close friends. So here I am, I am going to be as honest as I can be about things. This may be of no value to anyone person, but at least I know I am being real.

So to start off, here is a list of things that may or no be true.  You can guess if you want. I may or may not reveal if something is true or  false. Just getting my feet wet.

1. I sometimes pee myself when I laugh.

2. I can be self-loathing.

3. I am a momma of six.

4. I like shopping at high end stores and nothing else will do.

5. I go to Starbucks everyday.

6. My favorite LP/CD/Cassette is Depeche Mode: Some Great Reward.

7. I have Beiber Fever

8. I have to best friends, both male: Jimmy(my husband) and Jeremy (my friend from high school).

9. I like mayonnaise of everything.

10. I am named after my maternal grandmother who passed away long before I was born.

11. I want a job in the local smoke shop.

12. I am over churches, their gossip, and their judgmentation.

13. I have several tattoos and more in the works.

14. I support Prop, 19.

15.I loke to garden food.

16. I have super short pinky fingers.

17. I text more than I should.

18. I want your sex!!!

19. I like dancing in the dark.

20. I want to hula hoop with my own homemade hoop.

21. I am a bibliophile.

22. I don't wear makeup but, secretly consider it.

23. I love my breasts.

24. I am in a battle to lose over 100lbs.

25. I write fiction based on fact.

26. I went over 7 years without owning or wearing pants.

27. I have an infatuation with polygamy.

28.  I like shoes but prefer bare-feet.

29. My bed is a futon.

31. I have been breastfeeding for 8 years, 1 month and 20 days

32. I weigh 235 lbs.

33. I love you!

34. I love life!  

 

Peace and Blessings,

Button